Nicolas Cage Only Eats Animals Who Have “Dignified” Sex

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Seriously, this tells me far too much about Nic Cage’s sex life. Let’s a take a look at what he eats, and then see how those animals do the nasty. Or, I guess, according to him, the "perfectly respectable":

I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex. I think fish are very dignified with sex. So are birds. But pigs, not so much. So I don’t eat pig meat or things like that. I eat fish and fowl.

Please let that mean fish always call the day after. Please let that mean fish always call the day after. No such luck, according to Wikipedia. Here’s what it says about Atlantic salmon:

The species constructs a nest or "redd" in the gravel bed of a stream. This involves a female creating a powerful downdraught of water with her tail near the gravel, to thus excavate a depression. After she and a male fish have respectively shed eggs and milt (sperm) upstream of the depression, the female again uses her tail, this time to shift gravel so as to cover up the eggs and milt which have lodged in the depression.

Um. Let’s try chicken? Here’s what eHow says:

While feeding, the rooster will surreptitiously climb onto the back of the chosen hen and begin the insemination process… Roosters do not have a reproductive organ that is similar to the penis. Instead, they have an opening called the cloaca… The rooster moves his cloaca near the hen’s cloaca (females have a similar opening) and he deposits his sperm glob inside the hen’s cloaca.

So, either Nicolas Cage really, really hated the way he conceived his son, Kal-el, or I am forced to come to the unfortunate conclusion that he has his wife 1) scratched a hole in their mattress into which they deposited their…respective baby-making cells or 2) did…something that involved passing a…uh, a "glob" from one…one…

Nope. No. Sorry, I can’t. I think we’re done here.

Via The Sun.