At this point, I’m starting to think there are more gays in any given conservative movement than there are at a pride parade. David Campbell — a "family values" politician from Down Under — resigned today after he was allegedly caught leaving an establishment that "offer[s] services for men who prefer men," according the Herald Sun. Though I’m guessing his resignation means it’s less "allegedly" and more "totally." In honor of this increasingly common event, I’ve created this helpful guide for conservative closet cases:
This is a camera. First invented in the 19th century, the camera captures images and records them — either in print or, more likely, digitally — capturing a moment in time for future reference. They are terribly popular, so much so that they are now included in most cell phones.
This is a video camera. It is very much like the regular camera, except that it does not record one moment, but a series of moments. So, while the regular camera might capture you by the door of a gay bar, the video camera will capture you entering that gay bar, and then leaving with a twenty-year-old twink named Stefan.
These are eyes. Almost all animals have them, though eyesight varies from creature to creature. Eyes are organs that detect light, and translates that energy via the optic nerve to the visual cortex of the brain. Human eyes can detect things like color differentiation and the perception of depth, meaning they can tell that your hair is brown and that you are standing under a neon sign advertising a nightclub called "The Cock." Some people are blind. Most are not.
Please study over this helpful guide of Ways You Will Be Caught, and remember it the next time you decide to throw back a few Bay Breezes and head to your local establishment that offers services for men who prefer men. You’re welcome.