"Sex And The City 2" comes out this weekend and, as expected when this sequel was announced, it has been getting brutal, if not totally unfair, reviews. As I write this, it’s at 15% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes, although it was as low as 9% this morning, making it one of the most widely-panned films of 2010. (The Miami Herald claims SATC2 had a 0% rating on Wednesday, but it would be unfair to dwell on that since few reviews were factored in at that point.)
Then I came across this all-too-gleeful and ruthless review in The Stranger. Here are the most memorable quotes:
SEX AND THE CITY 2 Yap yap yap yap yap yap yap yap YAp bock bock yap yap hee haw zzzzzzzz.
Samantha’s [52-year-old] vagina is doing fine. She rubs yams on it, okay? She takes 48 vagina vitamins a day. It accepts unlimited male penises with the greatest of ease. Now let us never speak of it again.
SATC2 takes everything that I hold dear as a woman and as a human—working hard, contributing to society, not being an entitled cunt like it’s my job—and rapes it to death with a stiletto that costs more than my car. It is 146 minutes long, which means that I entered the theater in the bloom of youth and emerged with a family of field mice living in my long, white mustache. This is an entirely inappropriate length for what is essentially a home video of gay men playing with giant Barbie dolls.
If this is what modern womanhood means, then just fucking veil me and sew up all my holes. Good night.
The other reviews we came across are barely flattering in comparison. Rex Reed’s, via a quote in the Miami Herald, is the most memorable:
"The only thing memorable about ‘Sex and the City 2’ is the number two part, which describes it totally, if you get my drift. Everything else in this deadly, brainless exercise in pointless tedium is dedicated to the screeching audacity of delusional self-importance that convinces these people the whole world is waiting desperately to watch two hours and 25 minutes of platform heels, fake orgasms and preposterous clothes. It is to movies what fried dough is to nutrition."
Still want to see it tomorrow, folks?