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McDonald’s Still Trying To Kill People, This Time With Hazardous Shrek Cups

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Oh, let us count the ways Mickey D’s has tried to murder us. First there was the McRib – that absurd, barbecued decadence on a sesame-seed bun. After years, they realized that most people weren’t fooled by this "sandwich," and so they moved on to different tactics, killing us with cuteness in this gay-friendly French ad from a few days ago. Fortunately, Bill O’Reilly, in one of his brighter moments, exposed the ad for what it really was (terrorism!), keeping the burger-loving gays confined to France, at least for now.

Now in a last-ditch effort, the restaurant has moved on to its most unsubtle weapon yet: POISON. That’s right, twelve million poison-laced Shrek cups are being recalled today.  [The chemical on the cups is not ‘poison,’ in the strictest sense of the word, more like ‘bad for you,’ but still – ominous. – Ed.]

If you think that’s crazy, the backstory is crazier. It involves Congressmen, anonymous tips from apparently bored scientists, and cadmium, which we thought only Wolverine from the X-Men had. But wait, wasn’t he gay with some dude named Sabretooth? And weren’t McRibs made out of leftover sabretooth meat? This is all starting to come together….