Even before the death of the 21-year-old luger in this year’s winter Olympics, I couldn’t believe luging was a thing. Someone barrels down a winding ice slide at nearly 100mph, where the slightest presence of friction or loss of balance poses an almost certain brush with death (or at least some pretty bad bruises)? Athletes, please! All of your moms are scared to death.
But if you like the idea of dangerous-because-why-not sports but hate the peculiar nobility of the winter games, then ferret legging might be for you. What’s ferret legging? It’s when you tie the bottoms of your pants to your ankles (there can be no ferret-sized gaps) and drop a few ferrets in.
From the man who wrote the book on ferret legging:
Mr. Reg Mellor, the "king of ferret legging," paced across his tiny Yorkshire miner’s cottage as he explained the rules of the English sport that he has come to dominate rather late in life. "Ay lad," said the 72-year-old champion, "no jockstraps allowed. No underpants — nothin’ whatever. And it’s no good with tight trousers, mind ye. Little bah-stards have to be able to move around inside there from ankle to ankle."
The ferrets must have a full mouth o’ teeth," Reg Mellor said as he fiddled with his belt. "No filing of the teeth; no clipping. No dope for you or the ferrets. You must be sober, and the ferrets must be hungry — though any ferret’ll eat yer eyes out even if he isn’t hungry."
I don’t know if the ASPCA exists in the fourth dimension of Oliver Twist this guy floats around in, but someone should give them a call.