It's official. Women are taking over the world. First, there's this month's Atlantic, claiming that women are "better adapted" to late-capitalist society, and so will rise to rule the earth, or something.

And then, in a recent chat with some decorated members of the scientific community (you, we have a weekly luncheon), we came across the following research: "Evidence to Suggest that Copulatory Vocalizations in Women Are Not a Reflexive Consequence of Orgasm" (read: yes, she's faking). The data show that female moans are a way to "manipulate male behavior to their advantage." That's right. Those wild, simian noises she makes are not in ecstasy, but part of a cold and calculated ruse.

The article doesn't specify what kind of manipulation specifically, but the evidence is clear: orgasm noises are part of a giant female conspiracy to control men's minds and make them do their bidding. Unseen, and until now, undetected, women have been transforming men into humanoid slaves to: do the dishes and laundry, cook dinner, and watch the children while they slowly, yet steadily take over the world.

Basically, gentlemen, it can be distilled to two key points:

  1. She's faking
  2. You're screwed

Commentarium (13 Comments)

Jun 11 10 - 3:35pm
reggie

That explains why I always feel compelled to like, build shit and cleans stuff, after sex. That bitch!

Jun 11 10 - 3:38pm
Winfield

I'm pretty sure the point is that women make noises to help instruct men on how to better please them. Pretty straightforward but interesting that there is nothing natural about it.

Jun 11 10 - 3:42pm
Corabelle

muahahahahahaha

Jun 11 10 - 4:41pm
HotPinkSkirt

Yes, because when I'm screaming "Don't stop! Don't stop!" I actually want you to stop, but to tell you so would be too straightforward.

Jun 12 10 - 10:52am
JT

Interesting, the abstract says specifically that, "copulatory vocalizations were reported to be made most often before and simultaneously with male ejaculation."

I would think this is partially just excitement/eagerness and also an attempt to encourage. Not necessarily coldly planned out in advance, but not totally involuntary either. I wonder how the study was conducted? Did they just ask people? Tape them having sex? Hmm...

Jun 14 10 - 8:42am
boopsie

"Yes, because when I'm screaming "Don't stop! Don't stop!" I actually want you to stop, but to tell you so would be too straightforward." — It depends. Are you saying "Don't stop!" or "Don't! Stop!"

Jun 14 10 - 10:21am
ef

Damn straight!

Jun 14 10 - 11:43am
thinkywritey

Who am I manipulating when I'm "vocalizing" alone?

Jun 14 10 - 1:00pm
uhoh

bull....i dont know about other women but im not completely in control with the sounds i make....

Jun 14 10 - 2:57pm
Lord Zodd

Thank you for using "data" as the plural of datum. Keep it up and don't let Scanner turn you illiterate like Fairbanks and Cutler.

Aug 15 10 - 4:23pm
Regina

Absurd. Noises are not required but help in the pleasure of an orgamism with a man or alone.

Feb 18 11 - 12:25am
Crack Kiara

thnks for this testing :)

Feb 18 11 - 1:15am
Crack Kaylee

ha-ha-ha-ha! That is standart point of view, be more original!