The Female Orgasm Is Revealed to Be A Man-Controlling Ruse

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It’s official. Women are taking over the world. First, there’s this month’s Atlantic, claiming that women are "better adapted" to late-capitalist society, and so will rise to rule the earth, or something.

And then, in a recent chat with some decorated members of the scientific community (you, we have a weekly luncheon), we came across the following research: "Evidence to Suggest that Copulatory Vocalizations in Women Are Not a Reflexive Consequence of Orgasm" (read: yes, she’s faking). The data show that female moans are a way to "manipulate male behavior to their advantage." That’s right. Those wild, simian noises she makes are not in ecstasy, but part of a cold and calculated ruse.

The article doesn’t specify what kind of manipulation specifically, but the evidence is clear: orgasm noises are part of a giant female conspiracy to control men’s minds and make them do their bidding. Unseen, and until now, undetected, women have been transforming men into humanoid slaves to: do the dishes and laundry, cook dinner, and watch the children while they slowly, yet steadily take over the world.

Basically, gentlemen, it can be distilled to two key points:

  1. She’s faking
  2. You’re screwed