A Brief History Of Glenn Beck’s Idiotic New Novel

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The friendly and ongoing rivalry between Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck is set to spill over into the press this week as the old curmudgeon (O’Reilly) waits impatiently for the young whippersnapper’s book’s sales figures. Both men have sat atop the bestseller list for their nonfictional musings, but this is Beck’s first proper novel, and his elder is certainly praying for him to fail.

Good news for O’Reilly: the book sounds atrocious. (Advance stories feature headlines like: "Who actually wrote "Glenn Beck’s ‘The Overton Window?’" and early reviews include the phrases "remarkably awful" and "not really anything new" — and that one was a positive write-up from one of his fans.)

Today, AlterNet (admittedly a biased Beck hater, much like myself) published "The 10 Stupidest Moments in Glenn Beck’s New Novel." As far as I can tell, this is the only major review of the book out there so far, so let’s peruse their ten way-out-of-context excerpts:

1. Rule number one is: "Don’t tease the panther" [apparently a line from a sex scene. Eat your heart out, Champion Sex Writer Bill O’Reilly!]

2. Someone left a voicemail about a mom in a hospital, or something. I deleted it.

3. ATTN Catering company: Stalin’s grandson doesn’t want mayo on his sandwich

4. The mail-clerk espionage

5. Never leave your super-villainous PowerPoint presentations lying around

6. The co-conspirator wrap party

7. Love… and the flat tax 

That gives you a pretty good idea of the largely-ghostwritten book’s sloppy style and ridiculous conspiracy theories. Read the whole debacle, with extended explanations, here.