Because he obviously shouldn’t keep it. Not only was he performing at Rush Fucking Limbaugh‘s wedding, but the ceremony was officiated by anti-gay preacher Ken Hutcherson, who has compared gays to murderers. (Oh, sorry, I forgot to mention that Rush Limbaugh is also horribly homophobic. I also forgot to mention that this was his fourth marriage. Sanctity FTW!) So Elton John — an openly gay man, and one of the most famous and powerful in pop culture at that — clearly can’t just keep the cool 1 million he made at this orgy of family values, right? I mean, that would just be a shameful example of avarice trumping principle, right? So readers, what should Elton John do with this dirty anti-gay money?
A) Donate it to the Hetrick-Martin Institute, which helps at-risk LGBT youth in NYC.
B) Donate it to God’s Love We Deliver, which provides care for those living with HIV/AIDS (among other illnesses).
C) Donate it to the ACLU LGBT Project, which fights for the rights of LGBT people all over the country.
D) Donate it to James Brady Ryan, who is a homosexual and would love a bigger apartment.
And of course, if you have any other helpful or creative ways to help Elton spend this money, please let me know in the comments.