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Six Inappropriate Toys That Would Never Appear In Toy Story

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With Toy Story 3 burning up cinemas nation wide and every toy you can imagine being adapted for the screen (the latest victim: troll dolls), it seems like nothing is so sure a bet as an inanimate object. (Unless it’s cast in Jonah Hex. Hey-o!) But what about the playthings so over-the-line they wouldn’t even be accepted on the Island of Misfit Toys? These are six toys so inappropriate they would never be allowed in the Toy Story world. (Note: we included only toys that could conceivably be a "character" on screen; otherwise, this list would be filled with those My First Stiletto Heel kits for three-year olds.)

6. "Math Class Is Tough!" Barbie

One could make the argument that all Barbies have just a touch of the "I hate thinking, but love spending money!" sentiment, but it was this infamous talking doll that took all the subtlety out of it. While some might grumble about Pixar’s lack of female protagonists, the studio in general likes its female characters competent.

5. Baby Pee Pee

Pixar has a history of using unlikely, seemingly unsympathetic characters — rats, trash robots, grumpy old men, etc. But I just don’t think the world is ready to watch a baby who is into water sports.

4. Dora the Explorer Aquapet

Oh jeez. Beyond the obvious licensing issues, using this toy would be unwise. At best, it looks like some kind of serial-killer cage straight out of Silence of the Lambs. At worst, it looks like a dong.

3. Masturbating Tarzan

INT. — ANDY’S ROOM — DAY

WOODY stands surrounded by THE OTHER TOYS waiting to outline his plan to save the day.

WOODY
Okay, Buzz and Jessie, I’ll need you to be waiting
on top of the bookshelf. T-rex, I want you and Mr.
Potato Head behind the door. And Tarzan — oh my
GOD, Tarzan, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

2. Barack Obama Sock Monkey

See, not all of these toys have weird sexual issues! Some are just racist. While the creators of this toy swear up and down they intend to make such an offensive toy, somehow I don’t think that would sit well with the Pixar higher-ups. Or lower-downs. Or anyone.

1. Punisher Shape-Shifter

 

There’s just something about this one that makes me feel like it wouldn’t be a good fit for the Toy Story universe. Is it how violent it looks? Yeah, that’s it. It’s probably how violent it looks.

Oh, or that ass missile.