Susan Finkelstein Writes Weird Phillies Erotic Fan Fiction

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Susan Finkelstein the world series ticket prostituteFan fiction is one of those puzzling internet phenomena – it’s absolutely everywhere, and yet everyone seems to agree that it’s the worst thing ever. Oh wait, except erotic fan fiction, which is worse. Well, in fulfillment of our unflagging mission to bring you important news from around world, this:

Remember the "World Series Ticket Prostitute?" Last fall, Finkelstein, a die-hard (to put it lightly) Philadelphia Phillies fan, was busted by an undercover cop after agreeing to have sex with him in exchange for tickets to a World Series game against the Yankees.

Well, now – because this is something you really should know – Finkelstein has started her own erotic blog. More precisely, an erotic blog about her adolescent fantasies about the 1980-World-Series-winning Philadelphia Phillies. Oh and it’s called: "Rounding 3rd with Susan Finkelstein." Finkelstein only has two posts up as of today, the first one more or less an introduction, while the second is, you know, just about a fantasy in which she became the first female player in Major League Baseball (her nickname was "Crisco Russel") and was consequently kidnapped by the entire Philadelphia Phillies team who proceeded to – we shit you not – "teach [her] a lesson." Finkelstein continues:

[I]n the dark of my Northeast Philadelphia bedroom, the long pillow in the carefully ironed pillowcase was transformed into each Phillie, who, one by one, forced himself on me, rough and hard and smelling like Spray and Starch.

Who needs a cold shower? No? Anyone? The real beauty about the whole thing is the way Crisco–I mean Finkelstein–legitimizes her new venture:

I want to shout in the voice I was forced to check during my persecution — uh, prosecution; I want to declare my love for sex and baseball and the patchwork remains of everything else in the way that artists have always needed to.

So you know what? Way to go, Susan. In your vain attempt to draw even more attention to yourself, you’ve managed to turn a somewhat interesting idea – the relationship between sex and baseball – into a terrible outlet for your still-raging fantasies from twenty eight years ago. Internet, you should be proud.