James Patterson Is The First Author to Sell One Million E-Books

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A montage of James Patterson books

James Fucking Patterson. James Motherfucking Patterson, the same guy who wrote something called Maximum Ride: School’s Out Forever. Which makes sense, of course, and we’re not too surprised. We knew that someone like, say, Colson Whitehead wasn’t going to run away with it. But still… wouldn’t it be cool if someone like, say, Colson Whitehead ran away with it? Instead of some predictable genre writer whom Stephen King called a "terrible writer" of "dopey thrillers"?

Anyway, now that we know that Patterson is the best-selling eBook author, here are our (completely unfounded and probably wildly incorrect) speculations on which are the worst-selling eBooks on the market:

Finnegans Wake, James Joyce.
This book is hard enough to follow IRL, let alone with Internet access just looming on your iPad.

On the Road, Jack Kerouac.
Nothing takes the dusty, highway-worn romanticism of this Beat classic like a glowing screen that can and will play Lady Gaga songs. 

The Complete Poems and Major Prose, John Milton

James Patterson Did Not Write This, Ray Rahman
Maybe I should’ve thought of a better title.