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Teens Now Biting Each Other Because of Vampire Trend

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Being a teenager can be very hard. You’re figuring out what it means to be an adult, you’re probably getting into fights with your parents, your body is doing weird things that you might think are gross, and also people expect you to be up at like 6am.

I recognize that all of these factors and more motivate some teens to embrace a certain idea or subculture with a frightening amount of commitment. I once knew someone who confessed to me that he thought that in his soul, he was an animal. Well, sort of. He was a Pokéman, specifically Pikachu. (This is a real story.) I’m not really sure what this meant for him, exactly; I don’t know what it’s like to think that deep inside you are a giant yellow mouse with clown cheeks and electrical powers. But it made him feel connected to something, so good for him.

My friend Steve, ca. 2000

But listen, teens: just because you are feeling scared and adrift and like no one gets you at all, and just because you know that Edward from Twilight is real and is just waiting to find you because you are meant for each other, please do not bite each other hard enough to draw blood. From the New York Daily News:

"It’s a way to belong to somebody and check their territory," high school sophomore Pao Hernandez told CBS News.

Hernandez says couples at her school exchange blood with each other to prove their passion, and friends also give each other bites to demonstrate just how close they are.

Oh no. I know teenagers hate it when people talk down to them, so let me just tell you straight up that this biting thing is weird and toeing the line of abuse and you are going to get hepatitis. Steve could draw pictures of himself with a Pikachu tail all he wanted, but you best believe that if he started sticking live wires into his face I would have shut that down. There are so many other things teenagers like to do that could make you feel more vampiric:

  • Sleep until sunset
  • Be surly
  • Shop at Hot Topic
  • Annoy me

Please. Please. Choose one of these options. For everyone’s sake but mostly your own, put the teeth away.