Axe Body Spray reveals new plan to ruin dating forever

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Axe Body Spray

For years, we've been warning you that Body Spray will not get you laid. Women don't care about your body spray. They don't care if it's Axe or Old Spice or Ladies Speed Stick. (Okay, that might be pushing it.)

And yet, Axe is growing stronger and even more ubiquitous, as frat boys fall for its advertising ploys left and right. 

“Axe is all about being a guy’s wingman and helping him as he navigates the mating game,” said Mike Dwyer, a marketing director at Unilever. 

The New York Times just ran a story on Axe's world takeover strategy, which involved spending $125 million on advertising last year. Of course, every product on earth is designed to be a guy's (or gal's) wingman, but no one else makes such awful and patently pathetic advertisements.

Look for it to only get worse:

Now, to promote a new fragrance, Axe Music, which will be available in a body spray, shower gel and shampoo, the brand is staging four mystery concerts in major cities, with the artists and sites announced only shortly beforehand. The first show, featuring the rapper T. I. and unannounced guests who included Mary J. Blige, took place on Monday at Capitale in Manhattan.

“Something like 85 of the top 100 songs downloaded from iTunes are about relationships or the opposite sex, and the heart of Axe is about bringing guys and girls together, so the play here is how can we get into lifestyle or popular culture in a way that it connects and is highly relevant with our target?” Mr. Dwyer said.

“We hope they bring a girl, because this will be a place for the mating game to happen,” said Heather Mitchell, a Unilever spokeswoman. “The idea is that we want to inherently be part of a place where the mating game happens because we want to be a lifestyle brand.” [New York Times]

Shut up, shut up, shut up. Body spray does not get you laid — you're thinking of deodorant and toothpaste.