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Throughout the history of civilization, etiquette has been subjected to all manner of indignities, not least among them the accusation that it is a bit of a drag. But "etiquette" is just a fancy word for being considerate of your fellow citizens — whether that means not talking with a mouthful of mushy peas, or showering before receiving a rim job. And so, it is with great pleasure that we give you this excerpt from Nerve's Guide to Sex Etiquette, set to hit bookstores on January 27. (Stay tuned for more excerpts in the coming weeks.) If you choose to abide by these guidelines (for the most part), you should be rewarded with the most vulgar, uncivilized sex of your life. Sincerely and affectionately, Em & Lo Coworker Sex  neaking
to the fax room on your lunch break . . . leaving dirty Polaroids under
each other's keyboards . . . doing it on your boss's desk while he or she is
at
the Hamptons . . . Dipping your pen in the company inkwell may not be exactly
encouraged in the modern workplace, but most people who consider themselves
ladies and gentlemen have dipped at least once. It used to be that love on
the clock was for executive married men and their young female secretaries
only; the greatest concern was that in a fit of jealousy, said secretary
would know exactly how to contact the missus. Nowadays, fortunately and
felicitously, dating in the workplace requires a whole new set of etiquette
rules.
Before soliciting a coworker, a gentleman or lady considers the matter in the same way he or she would ponder approaching a bartender at their local: Am I prepared to drink elsewhere if it all goes pear-shaped? Chances are, within a few months, your coconspirator will have moved on romantically, or simply will not care. (Do we all not have at least one ex in our circle of friends?) The decision will depend on the happy-hour specials or holiday bonuses, as well as on the potential of the relationship. You risk less for a one-night stand than for a chance at true love, which comes along less often than a charming little watering hole or a decent job offering.
When it comes to coitus with a cubicle colleague, the secrecy is undeniably at least half its provocative appeal. Obviously, there are myriad reasons not to dispatch a company-wide memo after the first interlude: If it ends within two weeks, you do not want everyone feeling awkward; it is infinitely easier to abscond to the copier room for a quickie if no one suspects your motives; perhaps it is frowned upon by your HR department; perhaps you are new at the company and do not want your reputation marred early on; or maybe you do not want all the office gossips spying on those awkward first few conversations at the water cooler. The most important reason, of course, is that true ladies and gentlemen never kiss and tell in situations in which to do so would embarrass the protagonist of the tale or potentially harm (or at least alter) their professional reputation. However, you cannot expect to keep the affair clandestine forever. At some point (usually after three to six months), you must acknowledge whether it is just the secrecy that is sexy, or if true feelings have developed in one or both parties. If those involved have conflicting expectations, termination is the only honorable thing to do. If both parties are on the same page, then they may proceed as desired. Should a serious relationship be budding, there is no need to hide the affair. However, when the cat is finally out of the proverbial bag, do not, under any circumstances, make out or — worse — call each other by pet names in front of coworkers. Such familiarity in professional spaces will arouse their contempt, if not their lunch. n°
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, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
