Throughout the history of civilization, etiquette has been subjected to all manner of indignities, not least among them the accusation that it is a bit of a drag. But "etiquette" is just a fancy word for being considerate of your fellow citizens — whether that means not talking with a mouthful of mushy peas, or showering before receiving a rim job. And so, it is with great pleasure that we give you this excerpt from Nerve's Guide to Sex Etiquette, set to hit bookstores on January 27. (Stay tuned for more excerpts in the coming weeks.) If you choose to abide by these guidelines (for the most part), you should be rewarded with the most vulgar, uncivilized sex of your life.

Sincerely and affectionately,
Em & Lo


Orgy Obligations

onsideration for the rights and feelings of others is not merely a rule for behavior in public, but the very foundation upon which successful orgies are built. Today's orgies — or "play parties" as they are known in the current vernacular — are more swings and roundabouts than swinging. It is commitment-free recreational sex at a cocktail party with a few (or a few dozen) cute friends, acquaintances, or near strangers. The play parties (at least, the ones you would like to get invited to) are as removed from ?70s key parties as The Brady Bunch is from Sex and the City. Forsooth, they are not for everyone. But they are for far more ladies and gentlemen than you might have thought. And they might just be for you.

How to Host a Sex Party

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To be sure, there are times when a group make-out session will evolve naturally at the end of a pleasant evening spent with friends — one might blame it on the booze, the strip poker, or those "I Never? and "Truth or Dare? games. In fact, we would venture that if you have ever ended up playing late-night strip Trivial Pursuit with a group of friends and nothing happened, at least one person in that room had been hoping events would take a turn for the salacious. Oh, let us be candid here: Everyone had been hoping it would take a turn for the salacious. If you are uncomfortable in the role of gracious host, you might try throwing an impromptu after-party at your abode next time you find yourself out with a group of sexy young things. It is elegant to coax the mood with some evocative tunes. You would do well to play Scrabble for kisses, and then push the envelope — gently, discreetly — to see where things lead. You will find this most efficacious in a group of single friends, where all crushes (secret or overt) are fairly mild.
   But why leave it to chance? The accomplished lady or gentleman knows how to throw together a charming afternoon of crumpets and tea. Should organizing an official sex party in order to guarantee a naughty outcome for all be so much more complicated or taxing? Absolutment pas! Below are a few things you should bear in mind before opening your door to the writhing masses. And remember, ladies and gentlemen: It is your party — you may come if you want to.

How Would You Like Your Orgy to Compare with Others?
Before attempting to host an orgy, it is advisable to assay someone else's play party, if possible. Appraise the competition to ascertain what helps the party flourish (perhaps baby wipes in every room for easy clean-up), what causes it to founder (perhaps Sting on the stereo), and what you should expect on your big night.

What is Your Velvet-Rope Policy?
What if you threw a sex party and nobody came? It is prudent to invite a few instigators — ladies and gentlemen who will make out first, dance dirty first, invite a guest to join them first. A less stilted time will be had by all if a few attendees are not orgy virgins. Other than that, your guest list is your prerogative. Do you desire an equal male/female ratio? Couples only? Singles only? Straighties only? No single men? All bi, all the time? Gay? Pad the numbers by requesting that every guest bring a few friends befitting an orgy. It would not be inappropriate to browse NervePersonals.com for "eager beavers,? as we so fondly refer to them. It is acceptable to email out the invites, though paper is undeniably more tasteful (and impossible to "forward?). If friends of friends (or strangers) are on your guest list, it is perfectly couth to request an advance screening. After all, it would be unspeakably horrible to be forced to entertain guests who could kill a buzz from across the room.

Location, Location, Location?
For convenience and control, there is no place better than one's own abode. But perchance you have a nosy neighbor or landlord, maybe your modest lodgings cannot hold an event of this size, or perhaps you simply would find it unseemly to have guests fucking on your dinette. It is perfectly elegant to rent a space or book a hotel suite. It is advisable to ascertain in advance the likelihood of the party frightening the horses, especially if you will be providing props that could be misconstrued by intruders. (?Tis true, ladies and gentlemen have indeed been arrested for consensual participation at SM play parties.)

Will There Be Dutch Courage on Tap?
Orgy aficionados will tell you not to encourage daisy-chaining under the influence. Which leads yours truly to wonder, What are they thinking? Who are these people? Chances are, not all your guests will be such highly evolved creatures; stone-cold sober group fucking may be just a tad outside their comfort zone. After all, it was no mistake that the ancient Greek god Dionysus was the patron of both orgies and wine. A nice merlot or a hearty ale can make for a handy social lubricant. But the exacting host makes sure the guests know it is inelegant to get stewed: Keg stands do not put a soul in the mood. By the by, a buffet is unnecessary, though traditional sex parties (the ones your parents probably attended in the '70s) always seem to boast them. We fail to understand this curious habit. In fact, we find it rather unhygienic. The gracious host simply provides a stash of Power Bars for those who need to discreetly recharge.

What is Good Orgy Feng Shui?
The gracious host puts some sexy CDs on shuffle so no one has to play DJ. It is recommended to play something without vocals. Advanced players have been known to select Peter Gabriel's Passion, though it is not uncommon for at least one guest to find group fucking to the Last Temptation of Christ soundtrack, shall we say, distasteful. It is polite to maintain a warm temperature so disrobing feels natural (or should we say, more natural). Scatter pillows everywhere and borrow extra mattresses from a friend. Vinyl sheets are practical, but have a hint of white trash about them. Better to request that all guests donate a set of clean sheets to the festivities. However you manage, you should expect that all surfaces being fucked on will become soiled. It is an oblation all hosts must simply accept and handle with aplomb. A bowl of condoms, dental dams and latex gloves in every room is more than a nice touch: It is conscientious party planning. You might have some classy pornography playing in the background with the sound off for visual stimulation and inspiration. Take the phone off the hook, and ask your guests to turn off their cellphones.

How to Behave As a Guest
There is no occasion when greater dignity of manner is required of both ladies and gentlemen than the orgy. For a gentleman especially, no other etiquette is so exacting. As a guest, abiding by the following rules will ensure you are invited back; as a host, endorsing these rules will ensure that the party goes off with a bang, or rather, many bangs.

• A gentleman or lady always dresses for the occasion. The sex is casual, the attire is not.
• Statistically speaking, a gentleman or lady will be repulsed by at least one orgy attendant. One simply politely declines any advances made by said attendant, and attempts to mask the disdain. One avoids using the word "gross" and phrases such as "Not if we were the last two people at the last sex party on earth" and "I don't do charity work."
• A gentleman always secures permission before delivering the money shot.
• A gentleman or lady who chooses to watch understands that it is not like watching porn, that there is a difference between benevolent voyeurism and lecherous ogling, and that cheerleading is gauche.
• A gentleman or lady always asks before joining in (unless the house rules state otherwise). A gentleman especially understands that the two young ladies tonguing each other are not necessarily in need of his services.
• A gentleman or lady does not hog the hottie.
• A sense of humor complements the well-appointed orgy, but a gentleman or lady does not joke excessively or attempt to amuse fellow guests with such banal puns as "Come here often??
• A gentleman or lady practices reciprocity and generosity of spirit and loin.
• A gentleman or lady always practices safer sex.
• A gentleman who is prone to "early arrival" rubs one out before leaving home.
• A gentleman or lady understands that while traditional swingers often applaud orgasms, other people find clapping weird.
• A gentleman or lady avoids play parties that are: advertised in the classifieds, have a Star Trek theme, will involve coworkers, do not conduct prescreening interviews, have more rules than a mattress tag, have no rules, or are taking place at Howard Johnson.
• A gentleman or lady always sends the host a thank-you note. n°
   

To read the complete chapter, buy your copy in time for Valentine's Day!

ABOUT THE AUTHORS:

Em & Lo (Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey), former Nerve sex advice columnists and authors of Nerve's The Big Bang and Sex Etiquette, are getting into politics this fall: They're embarking on a six-city tour called "Sex Ed for Grown-Ups." Presented by NARAL Pro-Choice America Foundation, their hour-long show combines skits, on-the-street interviews, faux music videos, audience participation and Q&As to cover everything from anatomy to activism, from safer sex to the Supreme Court, from gay rights to gadgets. Every show is free, open to the public (18+) and guaranteed to learn you something new. Click here for tour cities and dates.