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Jude and I are in the basement. I was walking around dazedly in the woods when she found me. No one's supposed to go down here at all. If you do, you have to carry a flashlight. The floor's dirt. Pete tried to bury him there, but the ground was too hard. I told Pete if he wants any money, the body's his job. So he carried the boy back upstairs, and burned him in the fireplace. We're repairing Pete's damage. He was kneeling in front of the fireplace the last time I checked, jabbing the smoke with the poker. 'You're both monsters,' Jude says. She means it isn't just Pete. I've been ragging about him. I don't know what else to do. 'Why don't you shut up?' 'You are,' she says. She is, too, and I'm almost positive they fucked. 'I'll buy you a car.' For some reason that's important. 'Fuck you,' she says. 'It's true. It's so totally true, and I think that's so totally important.' 'What are you talking about?' she says. We're outside by Jude's car, and she won't look at me. I'm so sick of people doing that. Pete is sitting shotgun in mine and just honked the horn. So I guess I have to say it. 'I love you, Jude.' 'How can you say that?' she says, sounding really tired. She pulls the car keys from her pocket. 'Look, I'm sorry. It's just that ever since Rand, I don't care.' She gets in the car, and shuts the door. It happens so fast that she must be reacting to what I just said. She puts the key in the ignition, and acts like she's going to leave. Then she rolls down the window. 'So, did you ask him about Jim?' she says. 'No.' I did, but I have to tell her I didn't. I can't explain why. It's between her and me. 'And you killed him anyway,' she says. Then she seems to get upset, and starts the car. 'I can't believe it.' 'Yeah, so what?' The notebook's in my trunk, but Pete agreed to say it got burned. Either that, or I'll tell everyone that Pete's gay. So he's pissed off, and saying how I'm the one who's gay and insane and a liar. Then we get to Gilman's house. His bedroom's painted black, and has some chairs for his Nazi group meetings. I went to one, but couldn't make up my mind. There's a poster of Harris and Klebold, the two Columbine guys. Gilman made it in Photoshop, and put the words 'Coming Soon' across the top so his parents would think they're a rock band. They're his heroes, and that's part of my problem. Of all the guys who shot other guys at their high schools back then, they're so boring. 'So, yeah,' Gilman says. He didn't expect me to be here with Pete. I don't know what would have happened if I wasn't. 'I guess we'll talk.' 'Yeah.' He just offered me money to kill Pete, and even gave me a gun. It's in my pocket. Pete was in the bathroom, but he came back before Gilman told me why everyone has to die. 'Let's go,' Pete says. 'So, did you read the notebook?' Gilman says. 'No, I don't care.' 'I read it,' Pete says. 'But I already knew you were gay.' Then he punches Gilman's shoulder, I guess to make it seem more of a joke. 'Right,' Gilman says. He looks at me. 'Let's go,' Pete says. 'Okay? Gilman says to me, meaning the thing about Pete, I guess. I don't know what else it would mean. 'We're cool?' I look at Pete, 'Yeah, we're cool.'  'So, did you fuck her?' 'You're joking,' Pete says, and laughs. 'So you didn't.' I guess he thinks about that while I drive to the window, and get the bags. 'So, that boy liked you a lot, I guess,' he says. 'Yeah, I guess.' I pull out my Pepsi, and wedge the cup into my crotch. But it's cold and too close to my balls, so I have to adjust it. 'You know Kliebald was gay,' he says. He glances at my crotch, which is sort of why I did that little thing with the cup, as a test. I mean thinking he might. 'No, he wasn't.' 'Sure he was,' Pete says. 'He told people. He was in love with Harris, but Harris wasn't gay. So they did that Columbine thing instead of having sex. That's why they did it.' 'Okay, whatever.' 'Look it up on the fucking web,' he says. 'Fine, whatever. Jesus.' Then I remember that spot in the hills where you can see the town's lights, and no one goes except for gay guys and people like me and the boy. 'I'm not gay, okay? I don't want you to get the wrong idea.' 'Larry, come on,' he says, and laughs. 'Anyway, there's this fire road at the top of Myrtle Street and you can walk up, and there are all these trees. It's nice.' 'I heard about it,' he says. 'So you want to go?' 'Like on a date?' he says. That's sarcastic. People I know use sarcasm to hide around me. They've figured out that if they don't act completely sincere, I won't understand, and will get upset. 'Just say what you want to say, Pete.' Then I slam my fist down on the steering wheel. I'm on a pay phone near Jude's and Pete is still in my car. We got to where the fire road begins, but I couldn't get out. 'Jude, pick up if you're there.' There's the click. 'I was so mad at you,' she says. I know her and picking up is a sign of her loving me again, and how she can't help herself. 'So did you get the money?' 'Yeah, I'm right with Pete. Can we come over? I need to know something.' She doesn't say anything. 'God, you're so fucked up,' she says. 'Gilman wants me to kill him. I don't know what to do.' 'I'm tired,' she says. 'I know you guys fucked, okay?' She's freaking out in secret. I can't describe how I know that. 'Okay, come over,' she says. 'But you need help.'  'Go ahead.' I'm standing with my arms crossed. 'Look, Larry,' Pete says. They're really stoned, and want to talk. Maybe I should just shoot them both. 'I like you. You're an interesting guy. Buy I know you're in love with me or something, and it's cool, but I'm just not.' 'I'm sorry,' Jude says. I wasn't expecting any of that, and it confuses me. She looks scared, and he looks arrogant, so I don't know what to say to them now. 'Bullshit.' 'She told me not to tell you,' he says. 'It's okay,' she says to him. 'Anyway, she said you're probably bisexual,' he says. 'Yeah, well, I'm straight.' Pete looks anxiously at Jude, who isn't looking at either one of us now. 'Well, she said you watch her do it with other guys,' he says. 'I don't know. Maybe I'm confused.' 'That's what I think she meant,' he says. 'He knows about you and Jim,' Jude says to me. 'It's cool,' Pete says. 'I'm sorry, Larry,' she says. 'It just slipped out.' 'It's cool,' Pete says to her. 'Seriously, if I was drunk enough, I'd do his brother.' 'God, Jude.' 'I'm sorry,' she says to Pete. Then I can't talk, and lose it, and start to cry, but she doesn't come over and hug me. Pete doesn't either, or even make one of his stupid ass jokes. So I pull out the gun and point it where it belongs. I just want them to know. Rand died when I punched him too hard in the face. But it wasn't my fault. It just ended a life that was going to end any second. He had a thing in his brain that nobody realized was there. He was born with it. That's why I'm not in jail, and why no one blames me, not even his parents. But what he did was tell Jim what we'd been doing together was sick, because he accidentally found out. I don't know how Rand secretly felt about me, or I did but wouldn't let myself know. Then Jude and I found those naked pictures Rand took, and I got so upset that I told her about me and Jim. I still don't know why Rand took them, or why Jim didn't tell me. I still don't know what either one of them secretly felt about me or each other. That's what ultimately killed me, I think.
Excerpted from the book My Loose Thread by Dennis Cooper. © 2002 Dennis Cooper. Published with permission from Donadio & Olson. To buy this book, click here. Photograph from Jack Louth's Nerve gallery, Eye of the Beholder.
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