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February 4, 2004
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Throughout the history of civilization, etiquette has been subjected to all manner of indignities, not least among them the accusation that it is a bit of a drag. But "etiquette" is just a fancy word for being considerate of your fellow citizens — whether that means not talking with a mouthful of mushy peas, or showering before receiving a rim job. And so, it is with great pleasure that we give you this excerpt from Nerve's Guide to Sex Etiquette, set to hit bookstores on January 27. (Stay tuned for more excerpts in the coming weeks.) If you choose to abide by these guidelines (for the most part), you should be rewarded with the most vulgar, uncivilized sex of your life.
Sincerely and affectionately,
Em & Lo
PDA and Public Sex
hat, pray tell, could be vulgar about the expression of love? Nothing, so long as that expression is conducted in private. Once you step outside, you must take into consideration the delicate sensibilities of all the puritanical plebes who inhabit this fair land — it is the only polite thing to do.
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As far as public displays of affection go (also known as PDA), couples are encouraged to hold hands, kiss without tongue, and make lovey-dovey eye contact with abandon (assuming they are neither in church nor at work, nor in the company of a recently heartbroken friend). Kissing with tongue in public is to be avoided except at airports and train stations — assuming your beloved will be gone for more than a weekend. An occasional pinch of the buttocks is acceptable, though the intent should be whimsical and jocular rather than salacious. Genitals and breasts should never be pinched or fondled in public.
Now, as for secret sex in public places, that is a puzzling labyrinth of sexual etiquette. As long as you remain undiscovered, you do not force your coitus onto unsuspecting passerby, and you avoid frightening the horses, then it is perfectly acceptable. But by definition, public sex includes the perpetual danger of being discovered. Indeed, not being able to control your surroundings is its appeal, a part of its thrill. Unfortunately, bringing people unwittingly into your sick and twisted perversions is perhaps one of the rudest things you can do: the ultimate imposition. For though your partner may think it fine and dandy, most other people do not want to see your pasty ass. Therefore, public sex can become unmannerly in the blink of an eye — literally. You must calculate the risks of discovery and proceed accordingly. Use the chart below to determine when and where sex in public spaces is, in fact, kosher. In all cases, it should go without saying, you must not leave behind any evidence of your salacious activities (condoms, sticky seats, et cetera).
On a final note, should you be discovered in the act of public sex, it is unthinkably churlish to close your eyes or merely stay frozen and pretend you are invisible. If you accidental intruder is a civilized being, he or she will move on quickly and allow you to continue in congress. If, however, the intruder is unable to move on (due to a seating assignment, traffic jam, or digestive emergency, et cetera) you must, as they say, get a room. You may only continue if your onlookers are far enough away that they can discern the act but not the actors (e.g., you are on a roof and they are four buildings over). And should you accidentally turn a private sexual session into a public one by, for instance, walking into a room you thought was unoccupied, run away.
As far as indecent exposures go, one should avoid dabbling in public nudity — be it streaking, mooning, flashing, or wearing Speedos — unless one is at a nude beach, at college, or in Europe.
| The Public Space | If You Are a Couple | If You Are Alone |
| Airplane lavatory | The urbane lady or gentleman knows that the space constraints of coach lavatories, despite their mythic status, make sex next to impossible, not to mention terribly uncomfortable. Let us not go into the unsanitary conditions that are not even suitable for bodily functions, let alone sex. However, in first-class johns, anything goes. | As long as you do not hold up the line, diddle away. |
| Airplane seat, under a blanket | Only if there is no one sitting next to you, or in the same row across the aisle. You must wait until the meal has been served, the crew has turned off the main cabin lights, and the feature presentation has begun. It is also your responsibility to keep a watchful eye out for flight attendants, and you must stop whenever one approaches. | Same as couple. |
| Under a dinner table at a restaurant | Only if the tablecloth almost reaches the floor, and you can perform your techniques with a bare foot. But you must not suffer from pungent foot odor, lest you upset the other diners' appetites. | For a couple, this is perverse yet romantic. For a lone diner, it is simply perverse. |
| In a car | Only at deserted dead ends and make-out points. If you are on an old-fashioned double date, both parties must be willing to engage in equivalent sexual acts, lest one couple is forced to engage in awkward small talk while the other performs the "two-humped dromedary." We cannot condone high-speed handjobs or oral administrations because of the increased risk of accidents, which is pretty much the height of rudeness to other drivers. | Same as couple. Be sure you are not parked within a school-safe zone. |
| At the office | Only after hours. You may do it in any public office area, in your own work area, or in the work area of anyone above you in the corporate hierarchy. It is discourteous to do it in the work area of anyone who reports to you or is a peer. | Anywhere, anytime, as long as there is a lock on the door or your colleagues are mannered enough to always knock. |
| In a public bathroom | As long as it is a single bathroom with a lock on the door and there is no one waiting in line. You must finish your business within three minutes of the first knock on the door. | Same as couple. |
| In an alleyway | You must stay standing and should pull clothes aside rather than removing them. If you are caught by someone who claims the alley as a home, you must donate at least five dollars to their cause and move on quickly. | This is simply too depressing to dignify with a comment. |
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| ABOUT THE AUTHORS: |
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Em & Lo (Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey), former Nerve sex advice columnists and authors of Nerve's The Big Bang and Sex Etiquette, are getting into politics this fall: They're embarking on a six-city tour called "Sex Ed for Grown-Ups." Presented by NARAL Pro-Choice America Foundation, their hour-long show combines skits, on-the-street interviews, faux music videos, audience participation and Q&As to cover everything from anatomy to activism, from safer sex to the Supreme Court, from gay rights to gadgets. Every show is free, open to the public (18+) and guaranteed to learn you something new. cities and dates. |
Commentarium (6 Comments)
airplane lavatories are disgusting for those who think it's a cool spot to join the mile high club. don't worry about the flight attendants, they've seen it all. stay in your seat with the tray tables stowed and use a blankie just like Em and Lo suggest.
At the office Only after hours. You may do it in any public office area, in your own work area, or in the work area of anyone above you in the corporate hierarchy. It is discourteous to do it in the work area of anyone who reports to you or is a peer. Anywhere, anytime, as long as there is a lock on the door or your colleagues are mannered enough to always knock.
You left out the part that discovery is almost guaranteed to get you fired.
Sitting in a parked car with a woman before going in to her home after meeting her in a bar has been a real turn on for me. Sipping a canned cold cocktail, talking softly as she slowly rubs my crotch as my right hand reaches around her to gently toy with and tweak her right nipple is so arousing for many women that they can hardly wait to strip down to a thong and heels after showering separately. One babe removed her top sitting next to me on a quiet street allowing me to caress and rub her beautiful breasts, perky and anxious for oral teasing as she grasped and pulled up and down on my cock, my precum fluid all over her hand. Back in the mid 70s I had sex with a woman on a nude beach, amidst some rocks on a large towel as a another couple walked nearby--the guy got a nice hard on immediately and dove into the surf. Oral 69 fun under a warm sun with a woman I had met just three hours before was one of the hottest sexcapades I had ever had. Before we got down, I stood behind her as she looked forward as my erection slowly rubbed against her firm bare buns as she slowly wiggled around as I kissed her neck. Very hot!
VCE, you sound as if you're living on your memories. i wonder what it was really like for the girls especially, without the sparklle that time has added. at least you didn't refer to your throbbing manhood.
This book has unseemly giddy tone of the internet boom. Also when a subject matter so organic and deep seated and primal is presented in such a smarmy glitsy manner..... Just really lame. The average 80's era public school health text is more stimulating reading.
These public affection rules seem a bit strict. I live in puritanical Boston and consider it my duty to stretch people's comfort barriers. These peoiple need all the passion they can get!
Now you say something