1. I'm not going to start this list by going into some big attack on this year's Oscar ceremony. It's only going to upset people who really like the Oscars. Nor am I going to start this list by writing a mash note to this year's Oscar ceremony. It's only going to upset Annette Bening.



2. I can't get that excited about Hilary Swank winning. She's like the beet-and-goat-cheese salad of Oscar night.



3. But it really was a pleasure to see Jamie Foxx win. Foxx seems like a truly nice person, and his performance in Ray was extraordinary. He truly inhabited Ray Charles — after a while, it was as if he became Ray Charles. Have I seen Ray? Of course not.



4. The only bummer about Chris Rock hosting the Oscars is being forced to listen to dorky white people do bad Chris Rock impressions for the next week. Man, do we dorky white folks enjoy doing our bad Chris Rock impressions. We like them almost as much as we like Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Office.



5. I want to hang with Jeremy Irons. I'm not exactly sure why. I just do. Forget Colin Farrell. I think Jeremy Irons knows where the party is.



6. I don't know about you, but I've been playing a game at all the Oscar parties I've attended for the last five years or so. It's called the "What Is Going On With Renée Zellweger's Face?" game. Everyone loves to play it.



7. I managed to avoid most of the red carpet pre-show stuff. That's played itself out. Who cares? By the way, I'm writing this wearing vintage Valentino.



8. As I was watching the red carpet I realized I would not have minded if a large piece of steel had landed on Billy Bush's head, or if a giant hawk had flown down and carried him away in its talons.



9. I also could have used a giant hawk for Robin Williams.



10. I'm going to remember two things about Sidney Lumet: Serpico, and huge boobs.



11. That joke only works if you watched the Honorary Oscar presentation.



12. It was neat that Paul Giamatti showed up, even though he got snubbed in the nominations. I haven't seen courage like that since Pretty in Pink, when Andie Walsh went to the prom after Blane stood her up. I wonder if Paul Giamatti sewed his own tuxedo.



13. Was I the only one who noticed the intense sexual chemistry between Beyoncé and Andrew Lloyd Webber? Get a room, you two!



14. I like how Prince rocked the purple. That's awesome. I hope I can get to a point in my life in which I have my own color that people expect me to wear. Actually maybe I do: it's a white shirt, with Spaghetti-O stains down the buttons. Sort of a pink-orange.



15. Do you think Johnny Carson was up in heaven saying, "Whoopi Goldberg? That's the best you can do for my tribute? Why don't you just get Carrot Top and Howie Mandel, you fuckers!"



16. The best part about this year's Oscars was that Norah Jones didn't win anything.



17. And neither did Counting Crows, thank God.



18. When Morgan Freeman won for Million Dollar Baby, I bet there were a lot of happy baseball-cap-wearing frat guys who'll always love him for The Shawshank Redemption.



19. Shouldn't they have made Gwyneth and Julia stroll out with their babies in little golden Bugaboo strollers? That's all we wanted to see, ladies.



20. Isn't it crazy that Hilary Swank has won two Oscars? To me, she'll always be Carly, Steve's girlfriend on 90210.



21. I mean, isn't Jennie Garth sitting at home saying, "Where's my Million Dollar Baby, bee-atch?”



22. Speaking of Million Dollar Baby, I'm tired of all the hullabaloo over not revealing the surprise ending. And I'm really sick of people who write SPOILER ALERT in their columns. It's so annoying. What's next, putting spoiler alerts into regular news stories? "In last night's election, George W. Bush SPOILER ALERT edged out a close victory over John Kerry." "The Lakers were led by SPOILER ALERT Kobe Bryant, who scored thirty-five points."



23. Johnny Depp knows he's a hot tamale. It's clear. I mean, look at that crazy blue suit he wore. Only a gorgeous man could pull off that suit. If I showed up at your house in that suit, you'd tell me to go home and put on a sweater and a decent pair of corduroys.



24. The geeks watching at home got some good geek moments at the Oscars. Geek god Charlie Kaufman won for writing the script to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Geek goddesses Kirsten Dunst and Kate Winslet presented. And Horst Burbulla, Jean-Marie Lavalou, Alain Masseron and David Samuelson all won scientific and technical awards. Oh man, if just Horst and Jean-Marie had won, it would have been awesome, but Alain and David, too? Heaven!!



25. Not that you care, but I have no opinion about Penelope Cruz whatsoever.



26. At least ABC doesn't use the Oscars to promote its stupid television shows. I'm still reeling from Gary Sinise of CSI: New York presenting a Grammy.



27. I like the documentary award winners. They're the realest people of the night. They're like, "This is awesome!" and wonder if they can now ask out that really hot girl at the food co-op.



28. Martin Scorsese has to be wondering how long he has to put up with this shit.



29. I bet Jeremy Irons is still out on the town.  n°