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2. Don't misunderstand me — I liked it. The people who are going around calling it "the most overrated movie of the year" are just dorks who like to be contrarian about stuff. They're the kind of people who are always showing off about all their underground hip-hop knowledge and are trying to get you to see some Chinese documentary and have bad breath. 3. I am basically in favor of Paul Giamatti. I think he's talented and likeable. I didn't really dig that cartoon movie, though. Every time it comes on TV I scamper away from it like it's a house on fire. 4. I will, however, get sucked in by Jerry Maguire at any time, any place. Who's with me? Don't say you aren't, you lying bastard! 5. Some cranks say Sideways got good reviews because most movie critics are kind of loser shut-ins like Paul Giamatti and so naturally they relate to the film. Okay, but what's the solution to that problem? Hire supermodels to review movies? 6. "The human head weighs eight pounds." Oh man, that line gets me every time. And how can you not like Cuba Gooding Jr.? 7. Women are generally ambivalent about Sideways, except for the plotline of Virginia Madsen's character falling in love with Paul Giamatti's character. Women go nuts about that. "Never, ever would happen," they say. They're really firm about it. And you're like, "But what if she didn't care about looks, and she just liked his intelligence and secret sensitive side." And they grab you by the chin and say, "Listen up, muchacho: Never, ever." 8. At first I was interested in what oenophiles thought about Sideways, but then I thought: "No, I'm not." 9. But don't you feel bad for people who liked drinking Pinot Noir before Sideways came out? Now when they go buy a bottle of Pinot the clerk shoots them some dweeby grin, as if to say, "Did you see Sideways?" And I just bet they want to say, "No fuckstick, I've been drinking this shit for years." 10. Sideways ruined Pinot Noir the same way The Royal Tenenbaums ruined Fila tennis shirts. I used to wear that stuff and now you just can't anymore. 11. By the way, I feel bad for those shaggy-haired kids who were all wetting their track suits to go see The Life Aquatic and then it turned out to be as interesting as driving a rental car between Cleveland and Pittsburgh. 12. One movie that definitely got hyped by lonely male critics was Before Sunset. I mean, decent movie, but talk about the ultimate male fantasy: pseudo-intellectual best-selling writer (Ethan Hawke) trapped in a loveless marriage zips off to Paris and spends an afternoon flirting on the Seine with a gorgeous woman who still obsesses over him. Oh yeah: that happens all the time. You might as well have given him heat vision and an invisible plane. 13. I feel like I'm being told to appreciate Topher Grace, and I'm not ready yet. 14. And while it's good, is anyone that psyched to go see The Aviator? The Aviator should be called All Right, Fuck it, Let's Just See the Aviator. 15. Then there's "Aviator face." It's the face you make to your friend at the two-and-a-half-hour point that says, "Can you believe we're still watching this fucking movie? Jesus Christ!" 16. When I see Jerry Maguire it makes me realize how much I've turned on Renee Zellweger. 17. Part of me wants to see Closer — it was a great play and the movie's directed by Mike Nichols, who is great. But then I start thinking about having to watch Julia Roberts and Jude Law and Natalie Portman prance around for two hours and I just get a huge headache. 18. I liked Sandra Oh in Sideways. I just did. That's all. 19. You can tell that Cameron Crowe kind of had women issues when he wrote Jerry Maguire. That singles bitch-and-moan club that Renee Zellweger's sister runs is about the most obnoxiously sexist thing I've ever seen in the history of film. And yes I saw Barb Wire. 20. Do you think Sandra Oh has heard every possible joke about her name? 21. I bet when they were filming the penultimate scene in Jerry Maguire — the "you had me at hello" scene — everyone got kind of sick of repeating that contrived dialogue, which if you watch it now is kind of embarrassing. Except Tom Cruise. I bet he was really, really into it. 22. If we're talking Scarlett Johannson movies, I'll argue Ghost World over Lost in Translation. I'm not saying I'll win, but I'll argue it. Quite well, I'll add. 23. I really think I'm going to be able to get through life without ever seeing Dances With Wolves or Braveheart. 24. But why have I never seen Casablanca and have seen Wimbeldon? 25. What if the last Star Wars installment turned out to totally rock? Is there any possibility of that? 26. Aren't you embarrassed how much people dumped on Michael Moore after that crazy speech he gave at the Oscars a few years ago? It turned out that crazy speech was very, very non-crazy. 27. My friend thought the drive-the-car-into-the-tree scene in Sideways was too slapstick, but not me — I was laughing like a drunk hyena. 28. But if you're going to start talking Alexander Payne with me, let me say that the conversation starts with Election. 29. Do you know that bees and dogs can smell fear? n°
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