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1. To be honest, I was kind of hoping she'd just gotten a little pudgy.
2. But good for her. Seriously. What do you want me to do, come out against a pregnancy?
3. Still, it wouldn't be bad to have a pudgy pop star. I've kind of had it with the washboard tummies on MTV. That network looks like frantic Tae-Bo video.
4. Your tummy too, Gwen Stefani.
5. Gwen Stefani exhausts me. Eighth graders don't spend that much time trying to be cool.
6. It must be weird to be famous and tell people you're pregnant. It's like, "Don't sell this information for $150,000 to Us Weekly, Uncle Joe, but I'm expecting."
7. Kevin Federline may redefine the stay-at-home dad concept. He's kind of the already-was-staying-at-home dad.
8. But I respect that guy's chutzpah. After all, Britney fell in love with him when he had a baby on the way with another woman. Do you think he's worried about taking out the garbage?
9. And I've kind of had it with the Britney haters, too. Face it: she's lasted a lot longer than you ever thought she would. And don't lie — you know an alarming amount of her music by heart.
10. And why pick on Britney Spears? Pick on someone else. Like Sonic Youth. Oooooooooh — it's like I desecrated a church, isn't it? Bag on easy target Britney all you want, but someone says boo about Sonic Youth, well, it's time to take off the professionally faded Urban Outfitters T-shirt and put up your scrawny dukes, right?
11. I'm just kidding about Sonic Youth anyway. I couldn't name a single one of their songs. I just know I'm supposed to like them. Like I'm supposed to like paté, and Austin, Texas.
12. I know people have already said this but a lot of girls think Kevin Federline's hot. I think it has something to do with the bad-boy thing, which guys think goes away when a woman hits twenty-five, but it never does, trust me.
13. In my wildest dreams I couldn't be considered a bad boy. James Dean? I'm like a cross between Paul Giamatti and Paul Pfeiffer from The Wonder Years.
14. The rumor that Marilyn Manson was Paul Pfeiffer grown up was a great rumor. We need more rumors like that. I don't care about Desperate Housewives gossip. Who gives a crap.
15. What's with Britney and the hotel pools. That girl likes a hotel pool more than a drunken high school band on a field trip.
16. Also: Don't you have a pool at home?
17. Britney's sure going to be offered a lot of money for her first baby photo. It must be cool to be able to sell your first baby photo for a lot of money. If you're not psyched about the baby, at least you're psyched about that fat dough coming in.
18. I definitely don't have a baby on the way, but I have sold the rights to the first photograph of my baby to my mother. For $7. She had a bidding war with my dad, who dropped out at $6.
19. What are you thinking for names? I think Elizabeth if it's a girl, Jimmy Kimmel if it's a boy. Jimmy Kimmel Federline is just a great, great name. In fact, if you are starting a punk rock band, you can feel free to steal it.
20. What do you get them for a baby present? It would be excellent to walk into a store and when the clerk asks, "How can I help you?" you say, "Oh, I'm just looking for a baby present for Britney Spears and Kevin Federline." When I finish this column I'm going to walk right over to Hot Topic and do that.
21. Tonight: Franz Ferdinand and Jimmy Kimmel Federline. Tell me you wouldn't go see that double bill.
22. Did Britney actually re-record Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative" or did I just hallucinate that?
23. Everybody's talking all this stuff about me/Why don't they just let me . . . hang out at this hotel pool . . .
24. When she sings to the baby, will she do it to a prerecorded backing track? Just wonderin'.
25. I feel Jay Leno probably already made that joke.
26. You already know what that child's first act of teenage rebellion will be. Yup: a Christina Aguilera poster.
27. By then Jimmy Kimmel Federline will be a really popular band, kind of a Green Day of its time.
28. What's the first time the baby says, "Oops I did it again?" My bet's on a poop.
29. Jay Leno probably did that one, too.
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© 2005 Adam Boyle and Nerve.com.
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