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1. I'm going to get to the White Stripes in just a second, but quickly: can they knock it off with those iPhone commercials on TV? Does it have to be every other ad I see? I hear that twinkly music and that voiceover and I want go out and buy 40,000 Zunes.
2. Okay, White Stripes: I read some article recently which claimed the stakes were pretty high for the White Stripes' new record, Icky Thump, because the last one, Get Behind Me Satan, didn't sell terribly well, and that there was pressure on the band to, you know, sell albums and tickets and take that next step into being a big band, like a Coldplay. And it was a funny notion because at no point did anyone say: who the fuck wants to be the next Coldplay?
3. No offense, Gwyneth!
4. And why is it acceptable to take a big public crap on Get Behind Me Satan? Am I the only one who really liked that record?
5. Here's the thing about the White Stripes: so not every record is as good as the previous one, and not every song is going to be "Fell in Love With a Girl." But ten or twenty years from now, when your kids are going through your old shit and listening to the music you listened to, the White Stripes are going to be the band your kids are going to love, because that stuff is still going to sound great in 2078 or whenever it is. I'm telling you now: your kids are not going to be digging into your Alien Ant Farm trove.
6. The other band your kids are going to be really into: The Wu-Tang Clan. That shit will still rule in 3408. In fact, sometimes I think it traveled back in time from 3408.
7. I once saw the White Stripes play with the Shins. Watching Jack and Meg follow the Shins was like that scene in Animal House where John Belushi picks up the folk singer's guitar and smashes it into fifty pieces.
8. Or let me put it another way: it was like the White Stripes came out and gave the Shins a huge wedgie.
9. No offense, Shins.
10. I feel like Rihanna is chasing me around this summer.
11. Rihanna is like nineteen, and she's already had three All-Time-Great Disposable Top Forty songs: "Pon de Replay" (which is great), "S.O.S." (which was such an shameless lift of "Tainted Love" I was inclined to ignore it but eventually it wore me down and pummeled me into submission) and then this year's "Umbrella" (which threw me for a minute but now feels like a keeper, even if the 'Ella, ella, ella" chorus is maddeningly catchy). That's three more All-Time-Great Disposable Top Forty songs than Britney Spears, who gets more attention for walking around in a muumuu she bought at Caesar's Palace. And please, don't give me "Hit Me Baby One More Time." We're talking All-Time Disposable here!
12. Hey, Mandy Moore's got a new record out, and apparently it's a deeply personal album, full of references to breakups with exes like Zack Braff. Whom do I pay to remove that piece of information from my brain?
13. I like that Jack White did that Coke commercial just to mess with people.
14. Have people finally put the whole "Meg White isn't such a good drummer" argument to rest? That lame shtick made the rounds among my idiot friends a couple years ago, and I never bought into it. Just ask the Shins and their wedgies.
15. Here's the other thing about Jack White: that Loretta Lynn record is crazy good.
16. Sometimes, I really like the Arcade Fire, and sometimes I think they could have been a skit on The Muppet Show.
17. I wonder if the record company had their druthers, they'd have Jack cut a single with T.I.
18. Man, T.I. is also chasing me around this summer. Him and Akon, in a big yellow Jeep.
19. I'd pay cash money to hear what Jack White thinks about John Mayer.
20. Why do we have a Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame? Seriously — can someone explain this to me? Am I supposed to go to it and walk around? Really? Yuck.
21. I'm not the biggest Silversun Pickups fan in the world — oh boy, if I had a nickel for every novel that began with those ten words — but I loved the video they did for that song "Lazy Eye." Check it out on YouTube if you haven't seen it. Basically, it's just the band playing an all-ages concert and these cute little teenagers flirting. Whoever came up with that video really understands something about music, because I don't care who you are, you will never go to a concert that will make you feel cooler than you felt when you were fourteen and you saw your favorite band at an all-ages show — sober, in the middle of the day.
22. And then your mother picked you up. Mom, Jeez — did you have to park directly outside the club?!
23. Those Paul McCartney posters in Starbucks depress me.
24. I'm not saying it's bad that Starbucks sells records. But just for fun they should sell a few Cramps records. "Yes, could I have a mocha frappuccino — and Smell of Female?"
25. But who buys CDs anymore, anyway? Asking me to buy a CD and then transfer it to my iPod is like asking me to disassemble and reassemble the Space Shuttle. It's not happening.
26. The Raconteurs were really good, too!
27. I hear people say Jack White looks like this, Jack White looks like that — you know what Jack White looks like? A rock star. I'm tired of bands where the guys all dress like they're going to brunch with their girlfriends' parents.
28. "Oops I Did it Again"? You got to be kidding me. We're talking All-Time Disposable here! "Brick House"! "Hot Stuff"! "No One is to Blame." That type of thing.
29. Icky Thump is good. What do you want from me? This ain't Pitchfork.
©2007 Adam Boyle
and Nerve.com.
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