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Melissa Reeves, actress, Days of Our Lives. There was a time when soap stars went mainstream twice a year, but that time was called "the '70s." Melissa plays Jennifer Horton, which means she's from the goody-goody side of the Days coin. If you cannot get with the Horton family mojo, I can't entirely blame you, and I direct you instead to Alison Sweeney, who, as the villainous Sami Brady, will satisfy your needs. The beautiful thing about Sami is that she won't just break your heart; she'll probably get you thrown in jail on trumped-up charges in the process, and then your martyrdom will be complete. Once the whole torrid affair is over, nobody will be the wiser, since all of your indie friends are too cool for soap operas. None of that suburban-housewife fantasy fodder for them. Meanwhile, who's hot, experienced, and available from nine to five most weekdays? The suburban housewife, genius. Some things I shouldn't have to spell out for you.

Kaki King, musician. The remarkable Ms. King would already be on indie-crush lists everywhere if she'd only sing about gazelles on crystal hills or something, but unfortunately for crushless indie dudes all she does is shred the fuck out of her sweet custom Adamas. Her fingerstyle technique turns my knees to jelly, and her near-invisibility on the indie radar seals the deal. She looks impossibly good in a plain red T-shirt. I am a little afraid of her. What use, after all, is an indie crush, if it isn't rooted in wide-eyed, cold-sweating fear?

Ai, poet. Neither the monosyllabic, uncrushable nom de plume nor the fact that she's old enough to be your mother if you're of average indie-guy age should deter you from crushing, hard, on Ai, whose poetry is the most pleasant elbow ever to break your jaw in three places. I am not hopeful about poets taking the place of manga characters on indie guys' crush dance cards, but it is my social duty to tell you that a good Ai poem is more violent than all the Ghost in the Shell you can store in protective polymer sleeves.

Yoshida Akimi, artist. While we're on the subject of manga: I think the guys who write the checks have finally given up on trying to take Japanese comic art over the top, so it's safe to crush out on comic book artists now. Your competition for Ms. Akimi's affections will be, forgive me for this, quite stiff, since her fans are all comic book dudes, but no one said that pining hopelessly for distant semi-public figures was going to be easy, did they? Anyhow, one of the few English-language fansites dedicated to Ms. Akimi is called "Boyfruit." You do the math.

Shin Hee Choi, IFBA Flyweight Champion. She's young. She's Korean. She can and will beat the living crap out of you. She wraps her fists with tape before going to work, because her job is to beat people up. At the end of her workday, she spits blood. She is the goddamned champion of the world, and she probably trains harder on any given Tuesday than I have trained for anything in my life. You will never hear of her again outside of this column. Be still my heart.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
	John Darnielle is lead singer of the Mountain Goats, who are frequently on tour. He writes about music here and talks about marriage, pornography and bubble tea here. The New Yorker recently called him "America's best non-hip-hop lyricist." If you haven't bought his latest album yet, you really should.

© 2005 John Darnielle and Nerve.com.