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29 Thoughts on the Apparent Sexiness of the Sopranos Finale

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1. SPOILER ALERT! The following story contains information from Sunday night’s final episode of The Sopranos. If you do not want to know what happened, PLEASE STOP READING NOW.

2. Wow, who would have thought Tony was gay, having an affair with the bouncer from the Bada Bing, and that his daughter Meadow was actually a transsexual CIA assassin? Amazing. And that riverboat dance number at the end? Insane.

3. Just kidding. I just hate that SPOILER ALERT crap.

4. Man, the way people got so mad about that fade-to-black Sopranos finale, you would have thought that David Chase unilaterally decided to invade Iraq without a decent war plan. Actually, it seems folks are madder about this than they were about that. Ah, the American people. We’re hilarious!

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5. According to My Super-Annoying Film Guy Next-Door Neighbor, that was not a "fade to black" ending. That was a "cut to black." Thanks, My Super-Annoying Film Guy Next-Door Neighbor. Now go back to watching Pi.

6. I have to admit: I was worried when I saw the cat. Eighty-six episodes in, and they bring in a cat? Heather Locklear, maybe, but a cat?

7. And what was up with that restaurant? You really needed to call and make a reservation to go to that joint?

8. I could be pro and con on Paulie Walnuts over the years, but last night I swung very strongly back into the pro-Paulie Walnuts corner.

9. I do not know what that guy is going to do now. Somehow I don’t see him in Babel II.

10. No, I didn’t know who Carlo was at first, either. I can’t keep track of everything, David Chase.

11. Speaking of which, I can’t remember what people did before they invented IMDB. I guess folks just wondered forever what movie that guy was in before.

12. I never got into AJ. Sorry, pal. You may have peaked with "No fuckin’ ziti?"

13. Bacala really showed me something in the past couple of years, though. Guy went from the bench to the starting five, no problem.

14. "That mortadell’s number three? He used to be Junior Soprano’s driver." That may be the line of the season.

15. James Gandolfini never really did the press-whore thing, and it worked out pretty well for him. Lesson to you, Everybody Else in Hollywood.

16. That ad for Big Love with the talking kid is like a creepy applesauce commercial.

17. John From Cincinnati, I’m not so sure about you, either. It’s not that I don’t like David Milch. Oh wait: It is.

18. I read a lot in the past couple months about how The Sopranos is the greatest show in the history of television and so on and so forth. Why is it that in the twenty-first century, everyone tries to top each other with the superlatives? I’m pretty sure no one wrote that The Honeymooners was a "towering accomplishment."

19. I agree with the people who say that the FBI agent’s unraveling seemed a bit weird and unlike him. Agent Harris always seemed pretty much on the straight and narrow, and then in the final episode, he turned into Danny Bonaduce.

20. Did you know they’re making a movie about Sex and the City? In the film, Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha all get together and are SPOILER ALERT trampled by a rhino. Sorry.

21. Am I the only one out there who didn’t go batshit for the cavemen commercials? Medium funny at best.

22. Of course, I’m happy to settle for medium. I’m trying to avoid "un."

23. Your joke here, unimpressed feedback-section writer.

24. If you’re a TV actress — or really any actress, from Vanessa Redgrave to Florence Henderson — you’re probably never going to top Edie Falco’s performance on The Sopranos. It just goes to show you, there are a lot of great performers out there who aren’t named Vanessa Minnillo.

25. Am I really supposed to watch My Name Is Earl? I can’t bring myself to do it.

26. I don’t know about a Sopranos movie. Do you really want to go there? Ask the X-Files fans how that went.

27. I can’t finish this thing without mentioning Journey. "Don’t Stop Believin’" was a decent call for a closing song. But really, "Open Arms" would have brought the house down. "Faithfully," however, would have sent me into toxic shock.

28. Maybe they just ate onion rings.

29. Would it be too obnoxious to go for the meta ending, where I just

©2007 Adam Boyle and Nerve.com.