Just kidding about the partisan bit. You can vote for whomever you want (except Nader, of course). Just vote, already. And enjoy the poll — thanks to the 2,806 of you who fought past the mental images of Barbara Bush wielding a strap-on and completed it. — Em & Lo

1. Who is most likely to strap one on?

Teresa Heinz Kerry	34%
Elizabeth Edwards	2.5%
Lynne Cheney	14%
Laura Bush	5%
Barbara Bush (the elder)	8%
Hillary Rodham Clinton	35%

2. Which political couple has the most active sex life (within their marriage)?

John & Teresa	24%
John & Elizabeth Edwards	32%
Bill & Hillary	4%
Dubya & Laura	6%
Al & Tipper	18%
Ralph Nader & his right hand	16%

3. Which boy-girl couple would you most like to swing with?

John & Teresa	16%
John & Elizabeth Edwards	24%
Bill & Hillary	17%
Dubya & Laura	5%
Al & Tipper	7%
Bill & Monica	31%

4. Which gay couple would you most like to swing with?

Barney Frank and his boyfriend	4%
Chrissy Gephardt (Richard's daughter) and her girlfriend	29%
Mary Cheney (Dick's campaign manager/daughter) and her girlfriend	13%
Mary Cheney (Dick's campaign manager/daughter) and her girlfriend if they were Democrats	43%
Keith Boykin (from Showtime's American Candidate) and his campaign manager/boyfriend	11%

5. Who has better sex?

Democrats, because they're so PC, they always put the other person's pleasure before their own.	18%
Democrats, because they have no morals, and therefore no hang-ups or inhibitions.	36%
Republicans, because with them, sex is a sacred, spiritual union between a man and a woman who love and care for each other deeply within the divine institution of marriage and with the blessing of God.	1%
Republicans, because the most outwardly uptight and seemingly repressed people have the craziest, kinkiest, taboo-busting, hypocritical sex behind closed doors.	45%

6. Best-looking Bush?

Laura	7%
Dubya	1%
George H.W.	1%
Barbara the elder	2%
Jeb	3%
Neil	7%
Jenna, the twin	56%
Barbara, the other twin	23%

7. There are two spots left in your hot tub: Do you invite the Bush twins or the Kerry daughters?

Bush twins	42%
Kerry daughters	58%

8. Will there ever be a viable third political party?

No, never.	17%
Not for centuries.	13%
I hope, but I'm not hopeful.	59%
Yes, within my lifetime.	11%

9. Reproductive rights:

Abortion is wrong and should be outlawed.	2%
It shouldn't be quite so easy to get an abortion.	7%
The status quo is pretty good.	19%
Our reproductive rights are being systematically threatened and we need to stand up for them before we lose them.	72%

10. Sex education:

The status quo is pretty good.	6%
We should offer better, more comprehensive sex education in schools nationwide.	93%
Abstinence-only education programs should be the standard nationwide.	1%

11. Gay marriage:

I'm all for the Federal Marriage Amendment.	3%
Thumbs-up to civil unions, but marriage is for one man and one woman.	15%
Gay marriage should be legal, with all the rights and privileges that entails.	82%

12. S.A.T. time: Bill Clinton is to junk food as Bush was to coke as Kerry is to . . .

Botox	29%
Ketchup	24%
Anything French	17%
Common sense	30%

13. Do you think McGreevey was right to resign as governor of New Jersey?

Yes, because he pretended to be straight for political reasons.	1%
Yes, because he had an adulterous affair.	<1%
Yes, because he placed an unqualified candidate in a high security role for (very) personal reasons.	44%
Yes, because of all of the above.	7%
Yes, because he was an ineffectual governor.	6%
No, as long as he's doing a good job, I don't care about his personal life. And I don't care who he hires or for what reasons, as long as they do a good job.	43%

14. If you discovered that either Bush or Kerry had cheated on his wife, would it affect the way you judged him as a presidential candidate?

Yes, but it wouldn't change my vote.	31%
Yes, and it might change my vote.	6%
No.	62%

15. Does the public have the right to know about a politician's sexual orientation?

Yes, it reflects a politician's morals and character.	2%
Yes, because it's nothing to be ashamed of — hiding it promulgates the notion that there is.	26%
No, it's nobody's business.	63%
No, and a candidate has a right to conceal it.	8%

16. Does the public have a right to know about a politician's adulterous affair?

Yes, it reflects a politician's morals and character.	11%
No, and a candidate has a right to lie to conceal it.	32%
No, but a candidate should never lie about it.	57%

17. Do you think a politician's sex life automatically affects their public work?

Yes, if they're sleazy in the bedroom they're probably sleazy outside of it.	7%
No, I don't care who they fuck as long as they don't fuck up the city/county/state/country.	93%

18. Who said the following at a luncheon at an artist's home in Mexico: "You know, the one thing I love about Mexican women is how furry their pussies are." [Ed. — The correct answer is Schwarzenegger.]

Bill Clinton	4%
Neil Bush	19%
Arnold Schwarzenegger	53%
Ted Kennedy	13%
Newt Gingrich	10%

19. For the "Mission Accomplished" event last year aboard the USS Lincoln, do you think Bush's formidable package in the flight suit was "styled"?

Yes	74%
No	26%

20. What are your feelings on stem-cell research?

I want model-perfect babies and I want to be cloned.	6%
Creepy, unethical sci-fi experiment that will surely go terribly, terribly wrong. Haven't you seen The Fly?	5%
A great vehicle on the road to eventually curing many fatal diseases. And hell yes, I want a cure for Alzheimer's before I turn seventy.	88%

21. Do you think divorce threatens the sanctity of marriage?

Yes, and it should be outlawed, or at least made more difficult.	24%
Yes, but it should not be outlawed or made more difficult.	15%
Only if you're debating someone who thinks gay unions threaten the sanctity of marriage, and you want to make a good point.	31%
No — every marriage is different, and what other individuals do with and within their marriage has no effect on me or the rest of the country.	51%

22. Is J. Lo threatening the sanctity of marriage?

Yes	48%
No	52%

23. If Karl Rove is Bush's brain, who is his balls?

Donald Rumsfeld	37%
Paul Wolfowitz	13%
Colin Powell	7%
Barbara Bush (his mama)	42%

24. Should states, like Texas, be able to ban the sale and purchase of sex toys for personal use?

Yes	4%
No	96%

25. Are gay rights a state-by-state issue or a federal issue?

State issue	40%
Federal issue	60%

26. Who is most likely to be president first?

A woman	39%
A gay person	<1%
A black person	26%
An atheist	3%
A vegan	5%
An unmarried person	25%

27. When is the last time Bill and Hillary had sex?

Right before his heart attack.	26%
A few months ago.	24%
A few years ago.	24%
1980.	25%

28. Who would you most like to have a beer with?

George Bush	8%
John Kerry	12%
Jon Stewart	80%

29. Having hottie Miss America Erika Harold (who is African-American, Cherokee, Indian, Greek, German, and English) speak at the RNC was:

An example of how the GOP attracts a diverse group of people.	6%
Pandering to America's obsession with youth and beauty.	50%
Sooo C-list.	44%

30. Should the government have unimpeded access to your computer records (including your porn-viewing habits)?

Yes, if it helps prevent terrorism and makes us safer.	4%
No, privacy is a human right.	96%

31. Should the government have unimpeded access to your medical records (including your sexual health records)?

No, doctor-patient privilege is sacred.	94%
Yes, that information is important for gathering national statistics and determining where research money should go.	6%

32. Do you think emergency contraception (a.k.a. the morning-after pill) should be available without a prescription in every state?

Yes	90%
No	10%

33. Do you think individual pharmacists should be allowed to refuse to fill prescriptions for emergency contraception if they are morally opposed to it?

Yes	14%
No	86%

34. Do you think Tom Cruise is gay?

Yes	48%
No	52%

35. Should celebrities, like Dennis Miller and Janeane Garofalo, stay out of politics?

Yes, they should not exploit their celebrity to push their own personal beliefs.	12%
No, they have a right, like every citizen, to get involved and speak their minds.	88%

36. What do you think of the following quote by Arnold Schwarzenegger: "And to those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say: Don't be economic girlie-men!"

It's sexist and homophobic, and therefore offensive.	22%
It's sexist and homophobic, but kind of funny.	41%
It's just funny.	37%

37. What do you think of Michael Moore's movies?

Entertaining and somewhat revelatory, but a little self-indulgent.	61%
Staged, hypocritical, misleading spin-tastic propaganda.	17%
Brilliant political filmmaking — Moore's finally figured out how to turn documentaries into blockbusters.	22%

38. What do you think of Michael Moore?

The model of political activism	29%
Clever salesman	56%
Big fat stupid white man	16%

39. Have you seen Fahrenheit 9/11?

Yes, hated it.	2%
Yes, liked some parts, disliked others.	26%
Yes, loved it.	27%
No, but I will.	31%
No, and I don't plan to.	13%

40. Do you think "we should just trust our president in every decision he makes and should just support that, you know, and be faithful in what happens"?

Yes	2%
No	98%

41. Is Britney Spears retarded?

Yes	77%
No	23%

42. Who will you be voting for? (Please note that "I'm not voting" is not an option.)

Undecided	6%
Kerry	72%
Bush	9%
Nader	2%
I'm not a U.S. citizen	11%

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