With 250+ New Emoji, Sexting Will Never Be the Same

Pin it


Emojipedia reports that we are on the cusp of more than 250 new emoji. As soon as July, we will have access to a whole new odyssey of tiny pictograms, and with them, a whole new odyssey of possible thoughts. The eggplant and the pizza slice and the dancing cat girl twins have served us well, but they cannot convey everything. In a matter of weeks (or whenever Apple and Microsoft and Google actually get around to adding them to their OSes), we will have snowcapped mountains, a middle finger (at last!), a notched right semicircle with three dots. Digital communication will never be the same. And by digital communication, we mean sexting.

Without having ever actually seen them — the icons are not yet available — let’s predict how we can sext with them. (You have till July to talk yourself out of it.)

  • Put your [Lips] on my [Joystick] and [Candle]. (Simple. Direct. Blow jobs.)
  • Can you pick up some [Oil Drum]? (Because oil drums are like lube? Get it?)
  • [Motor Boat] (Because… I’m sorry.)
  • Do I make you [Increase Font Size Symbol]? (Tumescent. I make you tumescent.)
  • I [Waving White Flag] to your requests to sleep with me. (Only use if you want to!)
  • I want the [Old Key] to your [Ballot Box]. (Let’s have sexual intercourse. Alternately, let’s rig an election.)
  • I will [Shield] you from the [Cloud With Rain]. (I will protect you from hurt and inclement weather.)
  • You’re a [Hot Pepper]. (You are hot.)
  • You made me call [Oncoming Fire Engine]. (You are so hot you made me call the fire department.)
  • Would you ever have a [Three Networked Computers]? (Mac Mac Windows? Windows Windows Mac?)
  • Am I just another number in your little [Black Folder]? (Am I, though?)
  • I would cross the [World Map] for you. I would go and bring you the [Moon]. For you, I [Reversed Thumbs Up Sign].  (I love you, and travel.)
  • Don’t [Wastebasket] everything we’ve built together. (Desperate times call for desperate emoji.)
  • You wanna touch these [Control Knobs]? (Knobs are like breasts. Or multiple penises. I don’t know.)
  • Want to see a [Frame With Picture] of my [Upwards Rocket]? (This will be clear, unless you are a man and also an astronaut. Then it will be confusing.)

These are, obviously, just a tiny sampling of the possibilities. We didn’t even begin to explore the romantic and sexual connotations of [Telephone On Top Of Modem] yet.