My First Time

My First Time: Female, 18, Panama

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“I’ve never screwed a Filipino princess before,” he said with a crooked smile. I am neither of the Philippines nor a princess and he knew that. 

We had met a few hours back. We were all sitting together, his best friend and my best friend, and him and me. At one point he put his hand on my thigh. I let him tighten his grip. He grinned and swigged his mugful of rum and that was when I stopped being surprised.

He thought I was 19. We were staying in a hostel, so the bathroom was the only private place. We stripped down — I wasn’t drunk enough to blame the rum. He kissed me and hoisted me up so my legs wrapped round his waist and I knew he was going to fuck me then because the moment was only seconds away really, but nevertheless I didn’t stop. Not in a daze but a stumbling trip of temptation at new things because a girl of 18 just wants newness, newness all the time.

We were naked and wet (having just come back from a night swim) and my makeup was smudged round the eyes in a way that pleased him. Everything looked clearer now and I saw the red on the tiled shower floor — dark red, my red. He gently pulled me up into standing and said to me in soft foreign lilt, “First time, yes?” and I nodded and braced myself and without knowing where or who I was, I let him enter me once more.

I remember clutching his hair and staring at the wall. I remember biting my hand so I wouldn’t cry out. I remember doing it everywhere. Never lying down. My first time was in a dirty bathroom facing the blue shower tiles as he thrust. Every second we didn’t fuck was another opportunity to fuck. 

At one point I remember we were standing together on the balcony where the clean clothes hung and he was behind me and draped his arms round my shoulders and we looked at the water and imagined the fish darting black and green and tried to see the stars in the damp air — damp because it had rained. And in the midst of this calm, I could hear the throb of the music and other people just beyond us. I grinned and kissed him, liking company at this moment, even his. He kissed back lazily and smiled with his eyes closed and said calmly, “I want to do you right here.”