Eight True Blood Sex Scenes You Shouldn't Try at Home

The craziest techniques from the kinkiest show on TV.

By James Brady Ryan

One of the things we love most about True Blood is its commitment to being outrageous, over-the-top, and frankly insane. (We also appreciate the frequent nudity.) And while the show has thrown a few touching, sensual love scenes our way, it's also shown us a wealth of sex acts best left on the screen. These are eight sex scenes you shouldn't try at home.

1) Maryann robs the cradle

A naked teenager has broken into your house, clearly attempting to steal your valuables. (In this situation, you are a mysterious, sexy, and affluent older woman.) Do you: A) call the police, B) come at him with the bat you happen to keep by your bed for just such an occasion, or C) fuck him, because, hey, he's already naked, right? Beyond Maryann's creepy maenad fluttering, this is just all sorts of wrong. For one thing, Sam is maybe seventeen when this happens. For another, a home invasion should never end in sexy times, unless one of the cops who comes to make the arrest and take your statement is hot and just ending his shift.

Hazards: Statutory rape charges, loss of valuables.

2) Sookie and Bill do it in the road

One of the first indications we got that True Blood was willing to really "go there" was this scene, in which a reunited Sookie and Bill just go ahead and have sex on the ground Bill had just burst out of. Yes, they were relieved to see each other, especially because Sookie believed him to be dead. But Bill is, of course, covered in dirt, and while that's not the grossest thing people have been covered in on this show, we have to imagine that made things both uncomfortable and deeply unsanitary for Sookie.

Hazards: Scrapes and cuts, UTIs, fines for public indecency.

3) Eric is no one-minute man

From the moment Yvetta the Fangtasia dancer was hired (in a pre-season webisode), Eric clearly took more than a professional interest in her. We only catch the tail-end of this sex scene between the two (pun mostly intended), but it seems that Eric has good reason to pride himself on his stamina. Given what he tells Sookie, Eric's been thrusting away with his crazy vampire speed for hours upon hours. Wonderful for him, we're sure, but poor, poor Yvetta. We know Eric is exceptionally hot and all, but does anyone want that?

Hazards: Dehydration, muscle cramps, painful chafing.

4) Tara has a bite

Let's get this out of the way first: the worst part about this sex scene is the fact that it's pretty clearly rape, given Franklin's whole "crazy obsessive kidnapping vampire" thing. But let's say you've found a willing partner to steal away with you to a beautiful country home and wear a wedding gown 24/7 and eat only lilies. You should still, under no circumstances, get them to take a giant, disgustingly real bite out of your shoulder. Tara tore into that thing like it was a prime cut of beef, and while we understand her motivations, there's no way we can endorse it for your sex life.

Hazards: Bleeding out, scarring, choking on someone's blood. (Eww.)

5) Bill and Lorena get bloody

We figured that under Bill's sometimes bland Southern gentleman exterior was a more beastly creature waiting to get out, but we never expected this. After making friends with a 1920s couple by adopting the worst French accents ever, Bill and his maker, Lorena, proceed to kill the man and take a bite out of the girl. Naturally, they then have sex on the bed as she bleeds beneath them, covering themselves with her blood. This makes the "covered in dirt" scene look deeply erotic by comparison.

Hazards: Blood-borne diseases, crippling guilt over your own monstrous actions, arrest.

6) Talbot gets it from behind

Attractive though Eric is, sex with him never really works out for anyone, does it? Eric's obvious interest in Talbot was always suspect, so when the two finally got some alone time (with Eric all but promising the vampire couple that he would keep Talbot occupied sexually), it was destined to get messy. But did we expect Eric to stake Talbot while taking him from behind, showering himself in a rain of viscera? Well, okay, we had our suspicions. But we were hoping it wouldn't be over so quickly.

Hazards: Depending on your role, arrest or death. Also, very tough fabric stains.

7) Tara and Sam make a terrible mistake... twice

In the grand scheme of things, these are pretty benign sex scenes. Just two lonely people (okay, one lonely person and one lonely shape-shifter) trying to make a connection. Uh, twice. But here is the thing: do not have sex with your boss. Also, if you clearly have issues with alcohol, do not have sex with another developing alcoholic. And don't repeat this mistake. Yes, they are both reaching out into the darkness, trying to find another soul to commune with, but... maybe try again?

Hazards: Unemployment, a sexual-harassment lawsuit, cirrhosis.

8) Bill and Lorena get break-y

There's something about this couple that brings out the batshit crazy in True Blood. Enraged by Lorena's dealings with the Vampire King of Mississippi, which threaten to keep him away from Sookie forever, Bill expresses his anger by... having sex with Lorena. (No one said his plan made a ton of sense.) Disgusted by the sight of her face, he pulls what we are coining a "Second-Hand Exorcist," and twists Lorena's head around 180 degrees as he continues to pound away.

Hazards: Really?