Eight True Blood Sex Scenes You Shouldn't Try at Home

The craziest techniques from the kinkiest show on TV.

True Blood Sex Scenes - Anna Paquin

By James Brady Ryan

One of the things we love most about True Blood is its commitment to being outrageous, over-the-top, and frankly insane. (We also appreciate the frequent nudity.) And while the show has thrown a few touching, sensual love scenes our way, it's also shown us a wealth of sex acts best left on the screen. These are eight sex scenes you shouldn't try at home.

1) Maryann robs the cradle

A naked teenager has broken into your house, clearly attempting to steal your valuables. (In this situation, you are a mysterious, sexy, and affluent older woman.) Do you: A) call the police, B) come at him with the bat you happen to keep by your bed for just such an occasion, or C) fuck him, because, hey, he's already naked, right? Beyond Maryann's creepy maenad fluttering, this is just all sorts of wrong. For one thing, Sam is maybe seventeen when this happens. For another, a home invasion should never end in sexy times, unless one of the cops who comes to make the arrest and take your statement is hot and just ending his shift.

Hazards: Statutory rape charges, loss of valuables.

2) Sookie and Bill do it in the road

One of the first indications we got that True Blood was willing to really "go there" was this scene, in which a reunited Sookie and Bill just go ahead and have sex on the ground Bill had just burst out of. Yes, they were relieved to see each other, especially because Sookie believed him to be dead. But Bill is, of course, covered in dirt, and while that's not the grossest thing people have been covered in on this show, we have to imagine that made things both uncomfortable and deeply unsanitary for Sookie.

Hazards: Scrapes and cuts, UTIs, fines for public indecency.

3) Eric is no one-minute man

From the moment Yvetta the Fangtasia dancer was hired (in a pre-season webisode), Eric clearly took more than a professional interest in her. We only catch the tail-end of this sex scene between the two (pun mostly intended), but it seems that Eric has good reason to pride himself on his stamina. Given what he tells Sookie, Eric's been thrusting away with his crazy vampire speed for hours upon hours. Wonderful for him, we're sure, but poor, poor Yvetta. We know Eric is exceptionally hot and all, but does anyone want that?

Hazards: Dehydration, muscle cramps, painful chafing.

4) Tara has a bite

Let's get this out of the way first: the worst part about this sex scene is the fact that it's pretty clearly rape, given Franklin's whole "crazy obsessive kidnapping vampire" thing. But let's say you've found a willing partner to steal away with you to a beautiful country home and wear a wedding gown 24/7 and eat only lilies. You should still, under no circumstances, get them to take a giant, disgustingly real bite out of your shoulder. Tara tore into that thing like it was a prime cut of beef, and while we understand her motivations, there's no way we can endorse it for your sex life.

Hazards: Bleeding out, scarring, choking on someone's blood. (Eww.)

5) Bill and Lorena get bloody

We figured that under Bill's sometimes bland Southern gentleman exterior was a more beastly creature waiting to get out, but we never expected this. After making friends with a 1920s couple by adopting the worst French accents ever, Bill and his maker, Lorena, proceed to kill the man and take a bite out of the girl. Naturally, they then have sex on the bed as she bleeds beneath them, covering themselves with her blood. This makes the "covered in dirt" scene look deeply erotic by comparison.

Hazards: Blood-borne diseases, crippling guilt over your own monstrous actions, arrest.

6) Talbot gets it from behind

Attractive though Eric is, sex with him never really works out for anyone, does it? Eric's obvious interest in Talbot was always suspect, so when the two finally got some alone time (with Eric all but promising the vampire couple that he would keep Talbot occupied sexually), it was destined to get messy. But did we expect Eric to stake Talbot while taking him from behind, showering himself in a rain of viscera? Well, okay, we had our suspicions. But we were hoping it wouldn't be over so quickly.

Hazards: Depending on your role, arrest or death. Also, very tough fabric stains.

7) Tara and Sam make a terrible mistake... twice

In the grand scheme of things, these are pretty benign sex scenes. Just two lonely people (okay, one lonely person and one lonely shape-shifter) trying to make a connection. Uh, twice. But here is the thing: do not have sex with your boss. Also, if you clearly have issues with alcohol, do not have sex with another developing alcoholic. And don't repeat this mistake. Yes, they are both reaching out into the darkness, trying to find another soul to commune with, but... maybe try again?

Hazards: Unemployment, a sexual-harassment lawsuit, cirrhosis.

8) Bill and Lorena get break-y

There's something about this couple that brings out the batshit crazy in True Blood. Enraged by Lorena's dealings with the Vampire King of Mississippi, which threaten to keep him away from Sookie forever, Bill expresses his anger by... having sex with Lorena. (No one said his plan made a ton of sense.) Disgusted by the sight of her face, he pulls what we are coining a "Second-Hand Exorcist," and twists Lorena's head around 180 degrees as he continues to pound away.

Hazards: Really?

Tags True Blood

Commentarium (37 Comments)

Sep 08 10 - 12:24pm
bearman33

Nothing like a little Sookie nooky. If they did it on a piano that would be a good in-joke.

Sep 08 10 - 3:17pm
Carnage

At least as far as that last one goes, in the Southern Vampire series of books if a maker issues a command the made vampire must comply. So while Bill doesn't want to be with Lorena he has to because she orders it. Him snapping her neck is the only form he has to lash out and express his anger.

Sep 08 10 - 3:25pm
DeeDee

Carnage, in the world set up by the show, Lorena has released Bill, and he's under no obligation to obey her. This is hate sex, pure and simple.

Sep 08 10 - 5:56pm
T

In TB Bill was not ordered to bed Lorena. In TB the ay your maker released you he/she has no power over you and cannot command you. This is different in the books. So Bill did it just becouse he has a dark and abusive past wich S2 showed us with Lorena, with bath blood and all.

Sep 08 10 - 6:02pm
Jerry

And then there's post-coital Russell...

Sep 08 10 - 8:14pm
Hmm

More Eric sex scenes! PLEASE!

Dec 22 11 - 7:18am
UTHAM

I LOVE U BY SEXING

Sep 10 10 - 1:11am
miss m

this show is disgusting how an anyone watch it FUCKING GROSS

Aug 25 11 - 2:48am
evearon

your just a hater this prbly the best series ever made
there r some who like it you obvisously looked it up so u were intriged

Aug 29 11 - 7:28pm
JessieKayne

Naaa true blood is shit its just another piece of crap with a load of vampires. Its like a disturbed version of twilight 4 fuck sake. YOUR ALL FUCKING TWISTED BASTARDS IF YOU WATCH THIS the only thing good wiv vampires in is being human X

Sep 01 11 - 4:28pm
vampireluver09

For Fuck Sakes. Why come onto this site if your just going to post up shit like this. If it's not your cup of tea then go somewhere else. No-one is making you watch it. So why comment. Your just looking to strat an argument. And when I think of vampires, I think of blood, guts, violent sex scenes this has the package. Unlike Twilight. Since when did vampires sparkle. They remind me of a fucked up faerie than a vampire.

Mar 28 12 - 1:19am
Samantha

I agree Vampireluver09!
Everyone will always have their rude annoying comments about things you love because people are selfish and don't care about what other people's interests are. True Blood is an amazing show! If you don't like having sex because your an immature child then YES you won't like this show.. If you are immature then yes you will judge this show.. This show is made for people who love this kind of shit, WHICH many of us do. So please haters save yourself some time and go fuck off already okay? Thanks :)
Much Love!

May 10 12 - 8:53am
Leonard

I just lik d movie it is quite interestin at least i lant somtin 4rm it i mean somtin important.

Aug 31 12 - 6:35pm
too tired to make 1

Miss M is not a hater, she (?) was just stating her opinion. It doesn't make her a hater, just because she doesn't share the same view. Honestly, she has a point, it is gross. It's not what you'd show to your kids, I hope anyway. You guys who label her as a hater are just showing your immaturity by labeling her as such. Anyway, this series is like a series of porn movies - lots of sex and very little in the way of substantial plot. Which is great if that's what you like, but not everyone has to like the same thing.

Sep 10 10 - 9:56am
Cat Brother

Yeah, that 20's seduction scene...Pepe Le Phew had a more convincing accent. Accent coach, yo.

Sep 10 10 - 10:25am
Armyofbees

epic hateF FTW

Sep 17 10 - 1:58am
Kellz

The Orgies during Maryanne's reign were the stuff of legend

Oct 03 10 - 1:25pm
adam p

this is fucking disgusting it makes me want to kill my girlfriends dad for letting her watch it! shes 14 for christ sakes!!!

Aug 04 11 - 8:59am
viji

well

Sep 01 11 - 4:30pm
Vampy4Ev

Well I'm 14 and I watch it. I've read the books as well. You're just a hater. Grow Up.

Aug 18 12 - 5:23pm
Emz

Im 13 and have read all the books :)

Oct 03 10 - 1:26pm
azaik random

this is fucking disgusting it makes me want to kill my girlfriends dad for letting her watch it! shes 14 for christ sakes!!!

Oct 04 10 - 10:28am
Your dad

i cummed to all of these except the gay one that was just wrong and disgusting in so many ways.

Oct 29 10 - 10:08am
Anon

@ Your dad

You cummed to a girls head being twisted off, and two people writhing on a bed covered in blood? What the fuck dude...

Nov 18 10 - 6:32pm
uhhh

thats kinda awkward

Mar 27 11 - 4:47am
MisA

More sex scenes of any kind but I especially liked the one from the first season with the random bald headed vamp covered in tats having sex with the waitress hand tied to a hook in the middle of her lounge room. That was soooo hot

May 14 11 - 5:23am
Derpette

Can you mention which sexpisode #3 is?

May 18 11 - 9:00am
Emily

I'm slightly surprised that Jason fucking the girl behind Merlotte's in a pile of trash (no pun intended) isn't on this list.

Aug 29 11 - 7:25pm
JessieKayne

wtf thatsjust sick and weird the one where he turns her head round but i could wank over the one where thay have sex no the ground ohhhhh yeah

Aug 31 11 - 11:38am
Buckie

I can't believe you're not playing with me--that was so hlefupl.

Nov 05 11 - 6:48pm
sushant

i like this very much

Dec 13 11 - 9:40pm
R

Porn is still better than this shit

Dec 18 11 - 12:09pm
raven likes you

i know right do u wanna have sex with me then put it on porn it will be a hit

Dec 18 11 - 12:10pm
raven likes you

they did not show no dick or pussy

Jan 18 12 - 10:05am
sarah

the last viseo is gesgusting....

Feb 08 12 - 3:10pm
manh

nice

Apr 25 12 - 2:21am
bk palei

i am a sexy boy iwant alovely & beautey girl my necketyvitey place is bhubaneswar