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If TV Restaurants Were Reviewed on Yelp

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Central_Perk

Central Perk – 4 Stars

Total hidden gem. Great ambiance and a killer macchiato, but my favorite part is how you’re actually in Burbank the whole time!

Lattes: $3.50
What I Paid Those Six People to Move For a Second Just So I Could See What The Couches Felt Like: $60
Crushed Velvet Against My Thighs: Priceless

Definitely coming back. Stay tuned for The One Where I Order a Doubleshot!

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The Icehouse – 4 Stars

Good oysters are hard to find. So hard, in fact, that I’m willing to put up with a wait staff paralyzed by pubescent hormones.

Happy Hour is packed with Wilmington locals, all of whom have piercing blue eyes and modeling contracts. To avoid the crowd, I come just before close — when I’m hungry, I Don’t Wanna Wait.

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Bluth Banana Stand 4 stars

This place is good. You know— not so good that it’s hard to believe this review was written by an actual customer, but still very good. Notice how I am being both complimentary and vague! Because how would I, a mere casual patron, have acquired the vocabulary to discuss the specifics of a dessert kiosk?

I’ll tell you one thing—the owner is honest, a real stand-up guy. He would never send his son to post a Yelp review. That type of behavior sickens him. But definitely not in a food poisoning kind of way.

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Vesuvio – 3 stars

They got my order wrong. Not happy about it. Plan on coming back heavy — Artie’s a good guy, but I eat seafood salad for no man.

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Inn At The Crossroads 3 Stars

Can’t make up my mind about the atmosphere here. Some days it’s stuffy and morbid, others it’s rustic and quaint. Totally depends on the smell (which depends on the body count).

Seems like that Warm Pie dude is always the one to take my order. Boy, is he a talker — I make a point to only speak in High Valerian, and yet he never takes the hint. I’m usually just seconds away from ripping out his vocal chords when he brings over that famous kidney pie for me to focus on. Say what you will about the kid — he’s a good cook. And he’s got great timing.

It’s not perfect, but it’s the only Inn on the Kingsroad for a while. Nomadic ruffians can’t be choosers.

One tip: Be sure to get the Winter Ale—not too hoppy; pairs well with imminent castration.

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Goodburger – 1 star

The most terrifying fast food experience I’ve ever had. Something I ate (think it was the “milky shake?”) caused me to hallucinate a studio audience, a completely unwarranted film option, and a surprisingly long career for Kenan Thompson. Fries were good, though.

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Freddy’s BBQ (CLOSED) 5 Stars

We decided to check this place out for ourselves after Eater DC called it “vice-presidential”—cute! It was strangely divey, but ultimately we dug the ambiance. We found out (from Freddy, in the flesh!) that they were closing this location, but a franchise would be opening soon. Freddy dusted off his apron and agreed to serve us anyway, and the ribs were like nothing I’ve ever experienced — melted in your mouth, spiced perfectly. Everything was made with love. Shame to see this place go.

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Litchfield Cafeteria 5 stars

Absolutely LOVE this place. Went for dinner, and already made plans to go back tomorrow morning!

Some highlights:
Mustard: A delight! Just the right texture. Goes with everything.
Chicken Fingers: Probably the best “meat product” I’ve ever had.
Brussel Sprouts: Good for you, so there’s that. Sprinkle it with rat feces for extra protein!

You haven’t lived until you’ve tried Gloria’s Spaghettios. Couldn’t stop thinking about them. Gloria’s fantastic, too — like the incarcerated Mario Batali. (Also, Gloria, if you’re reading this, could I borrow a cigarette? And by borrow I mean have. Please? I’m going through a really hard time right now.)

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MacLaren’s Pub – 3 Stars

Usually I love a bar with a full kitchen, but this place didn’t do it for me. Not that I expected the Best Burger in New York or anything.

Super mainstream draft selection, but that’s a good thing — you wouldn’t be here unless super mainstream was what you wanted. Never any music playing, but it’s whatever. And I’ve heard you can BYOSandwiches (wink, wink).

I went with a group of girls, and just before we left, this kooky, theatrical dude started hitting on us. All of us. Simultaneously. Then we found out MacLaren’s was out of dessert. So I guess that was the problem—I didn’t love the ending.

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The Krusty Krab – 3 stars

PRO: Decent burger.
CON: Seabed location.

PRO: Pickles stay crispy.
CON: Difficult to hold breath and consume pickles simultaneously.

PRO: Special sauce is life changing!
CON: I’m a land mammal.

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Al-Abbas Best Original Chicken – 5 stars 

I really wanted to like this place. Heard it was “the best ever” — just like the name says! — but I’m Jewish, so there was the little matter of the West Bank.

Took some chutzpah, but finally made it in. What makes this chicken different from any other chicken? Palestine’s long, violent conflict with my people. Also, pine nuts.

Chili's

Chili’s – 5 Stars

If you’re looking for an authentic cultural oasis, look no further. I’ve never been to Mexico, but am willing to bet it’s just an imitation Chili’s. Plus, you’re less likely to contract Montezuma’s revenge at Chili’s (though no guarantees).

I came here because my office gave me a gift certificate instead of a bonus. Spent the whole $30, but it was worth it!

– Favorite menu item: the Margarita Fresh Mex Bowl— yes, it lives up to the hype.
– Dessert: Molten Chocolate Cake, duh. Didn’t you have a childhood?
– Scranton location is a sight to behold, laden with eclectic decor. The perfect blend of Mexicana and Americana, and made me feel like I was cheersing my blue margaritas in a racially diverse commercial. If that’s not living the dream, what is?

The Verdict: Chili’s is a must stop for food lovers and cooks alike. You’ll find yourself transported to Mexico, but a safe part of Mexico — like walking distance from a Señor Frog’s. Book a table (or order online!) ASAP.

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Double R Diner – 5 Stars

They do a bunch of Meals For Wheels stuff, so wanted to stop by and show my support. Overall atmosphere was creepy, but in a good way, like Denny’s meets the Ace Hotel. Setting makes for great Instagrams. Cherry pie is absolutely surreal.

Some tips:

Keep conversations to a whisper.
Pie pie pie.
Dark red lipstick should remain intact at all times.
Did I mention the pie? Get the pie.
Your jukebox choice MATTERS.
Never. Cross. Norma.

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The Max – 3 stars

I don’t get this place. Like, are you a diner, or a performance venue? Every time I come here to eat my defrosted turkey burger in peace, some cheerleaders blast the Pointer Sisters and bust into a choreographed routine.

Also, weak drinks. I’m starting to think they don’t even serve alcohol.

Sidenote: Would appreciate insight re: crowd’s sexual orientation. I’m sorta into this brunette who hangs around this place, and since all the other dudes wear Spandex, you can’t be sure.

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Grumpy’s 2 stars

I’ve never been to the real-life Greenpoint location (hear it’s better), but after my experience at this one, I’ll probably never go.

So the barista was kinda cute. Not like definite-swipe-right cute, but like sure-I’ll-open-your-Snapchat-why-not cute. I’ve been in a dry spell lately, so figured I’d rise to the occasion and flirt my face off.

I must’ve been SUPER perky or something, because barista boy goes: “Really? You look like you’ve already had your coffee!” I giggled and then he says: “No, I mean it. Were you here this morning? I swear you were here this morning.” And he proceeds to spend the next five minutes insisting that I had already been there. Honestly have no idea if he was flirting. My latte was good, but still—just…ew.

Tl;dr? This place is so not chill. You’ll hate yourself less if you just go to Starbucks.

KvikEMart

Kwik-E-Mart – 5 Stars

4903 reviews, and not one of them 5 stars?! Honestly, I’m shocked. This place is incredible, from the diverse donut selection to the intimate 7-11 feel. If you stand in the middle aisle, you’ll have a perfect vantage point for the sticker wall decals — the “We Card.” one was my favorite.

Squishee Frozen Drink – Blue Flavor: 4.5/5
Itchy & Scratchy T-Shirt Selection: 4/5
Microwave Chilidog: 5/5

Not even kidding about that last one — c’est magnifique! They must use locally frozen pork, because this is Springfield’s most deluxe dog by far. No wonder the place gets robbed so often.

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Paddy’s Pub – 2 Stars

If you’re looking for an empty bar where you can squat over a public toilet, welcome home. This place has everything — neon signs, sponsored coasters, stale urine smell, and Tiffany lamps (for the ladies). Used to be a regular, but after I had in-depth conversations with all members of the staff, didn’t seem like the place had much else to offer.

Dress code: Casual. But if you have a green bodysuit, wear that.

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Los Pollos Hermanos4 stars

**For more Albuquerque restaurant reviews, check out my profile!**

**Also, an update: the YouTube page is COMING! So sorry to keep you waiting, but it’ll be worth it.

**Also also, want to thank all my fans. Don’t know where I’d be without you guys (as in literally not sure where in the desert my body would be buried).**

Now the review: Took FOREVER to find a parking place. We had to circle twice! There were like five dudes just sitting out there in their cars, taking up space. Like come on, people — who are you waiting for?

Inside, vibe was low-key—lots of middle-aged men just focusing on their food. No line at the counter, which was a nice surprise. I got the Santa Fe Burrito and was really impressed—good potato ratio w/ just enough rice and beans. One bite I bit into a blue grain of salt or something, but in the long run I’d actually say it paired well with the salsa. Didn’t try my mom’s Quesadilla (am avoiding dairy this week), but she told me it was seriously addictive.

Apparently this branch is under new management—keep it up, boys!

**Add me on kik: NuMeXiCoCo92

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Monk’s Café – 4 stars

Tuna’s good, pie’s good — overall, place is pretty good, but be sure to double-check your receipt. Never had a problem myself, but the other day friend tells me that the blonde waitress charges him for a pat of butter. Not like he asks for one, not like he grabs anything fancy — just one of the ones with the paper on top, the kind that could easily be margarine and no one would have a clue. But the waitress doesn’t just charge him a penny, or even a dime — she puts the guy down for 50 freakin cents! So he asks Ruthie to take it off, and bein’ a dear, she does — says they just switched to a new register, sorry for the inconvenience, yada yada yada. Ruthie’s a stand-up gal so I believe her. But still, you gotta wonder.

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JJ’s Diner 5 stars

This is Indiana. If a place has waffles, we don’t really complain.